The Idiot King

THE IDIOT KING
by Susana Cook. 2006
Characters
The Nurse
The Queen
The Gang
The Master of Counterinsurgency
The Tutor
The Secretary of War
The Head of Intelligence
Quintus
The Secretary of Charity, Compassion and Pity
The Communist
The Performer
The GroomBride


The Parade of the King
Loud Music. The King appears in heelys parading with his court.
During the parade the King suffers an attack of paranoia. He starts having hallucinations, losing control and fighting against invisible ghosts.

King - Look at all this blood, it’s disgusting. Get all these bloody people out of my way. I can’t roller blade on top of dead bodies.
￿
Courtiers - There’s no dead bodies Majesty.
King – Out! Out of my way!

Courtiers – Look at all the people who came to cheer you
King - Get them out! (Talkng to a chair) I didn’t kill you, leave me alone
Courtiers- There’s nobody in that chair majesty
King – You were supposed to be dead, why aren’t you dead?
Courtiers - Who are you talking to?
King - Stop looking at me! Go home
Courtiers- Relax Majesty, you are just very tired
King –Bloody terrorists, leave me alone!

His Court tries to make him feel better. They carry him to lie down. He will faint.
Courtiers – Call the nurse!
King – Make them shut up!
Courtiers - The nurse! The nurse!

The Nurse enters. The rest of the court will exit slowly, very concerned about the mental health of the King. Music stops. The King is lying on a coach. The Nurse is trying to feed him with a spoon. The food keeps falling out of his mouth.

Nurse – You have to swallow!
King – How?
Nurse – You have to send the food down your throat
King – I can’t
Nurse – Use the impulse
(He moves trying to create impulse)
Nurse – No, not like that, with your tongue.
(He sticks his tongue out)

Nurse – To the back!
King – What back?
Nurse – That little hole you have in the back of your mouth
King – (laughing) That’s my ass!
Nurse – No, that’s your throat, that hole sends the food to your esophagus, and then to your stomach
King – Why are you so biological today?
Nurse – I am not so biological, if you don’t swallow you can’t start the digestion process
King – And how am I supposed to know that?
Nurse – Everybody knows that. You can’t keep the food in your mouth like that, send it to your throat
King – Stop with that word, I am not a biologist!
Nurse – Forget it, we’ll try again later. Let me give you the supplement
Get it out

He takes his dick out she starts injecting it with supplements. The King screams. Then she starts rubbing it with lotion.

Nurse – Does it feel good?
King – Yes. This is not Viagra, is it? Because I don’t need no Viagra
Nurse – Of course you don’t. We all know that. Nobody would ever think that you need Viagra. Nobody, not one person would think that. We all know you are very virile and powerful
King – And it’s big
Nurse – Very big, huge, courageous, honorable, patriotic and holy

The Tutor enters

Tutor - Excuse me
Nurse - Hi Tutor. We were admiring his powerful and patriotic thing
Tutor - It’s beautiful
Nurse - I’ll leave you alone with your lesson. He has been very good, he was practicing those words you taught him, and the vowels, and he did his math homework.
Tutor - Could you find the map I brought for him?
Nurse - No, I couldn’t find it anywhere
Tutor - What a pity, that was a very expensive globe, it’s going to take me sometime to find another one like that, and he really needs to practice geography.
Nurse - It’s ok, he made his own map (She shows him a map) You see?
Tutor - This is beautiful, very creative.
King – Tutor!
Tutor - Your majesty
King - What is that thing about the apples that you were telling me yesterday?
Tutor - Sure your majesty. What I was saying is that if I have 2 apples and I give Peter one apple, I will have one apple
King - Exactly, that’s what I thought. And why would you give Peter one of your apples?
Tutor - Maybe because he is hungry, or he was asking me for one. The important thing is to count the apples. It’s just an example to help you count
King - No, it’s not just an example I think you are a communist Tutor. Who’s that Peter anyway and what’s this whole apple business about? I would like to find out what’s your relationship to Peter and these apples.
Tutor - Sir, we can use oranges to count if you want and different names
King – Yes, that would be better
Tutor - Alright. So you have 5 oranges, you give Mary 2 oranges. How many oranges will you have left?
King – That’s sexist socialism, Mary can get her own oranges

The Master of Counterinsurgency, the The Master of Counterinsurgency enters

The Master of Counterinsurgency – Your Majesty.

The King passes gas.

King – I love farting
The Master of Counterinsurgency – Great
King – I like the smell
The Master of Counterinsurgency – Great
King – Do you think people like the smell of my farts?
The Master of Counterinsurgency – They certainly do
King – I want mics on my ass. I want them to hear
The Master of Counterinsurgency - We can certainly arrange that majesty
King – Now
The Master of Counterinsurgency – Sure

The Master of Counterinsurgency brings a mic. He places it on the ass of the King. We can hear a loud fart. The farts turn into bombs.

The Master of Counterinsurgency – Beautiful
Nurse – Glorious
Tutor – Majestic
The Master of Counterinsurgency - Your majesty, we need to discuss some important issues, we are planning a meeting for this afternoon
King – What for?
The Master of Counterinsurgency – Well, we have to solve some problems related to foreign policy
King – I want them to hear my farts too
The Master of Counterinsurgency - They do majesty, they do hear, you shouldn’t worry about it
King – But they can’t smell
The Master of Counterinsurgency - Oh, yes, they can. I can assure you they can
King – (To Nurse and Tutor) Do you think they can smell my farts?
Nurse – I am pretty sure they can.
Tutor – Yes, the smell is very intense
The Master of Counterinsurgency - What I really wanted to discuss is the war sir
King – I like it
The Master of Counterinsurgency – Right, of course, we all do. What’s not to like about it?
King - So what’s your problem?
The Master of Counterinsurgency - No, I don’t have any problem sir
King - I am not sir
The Master of Counterinsurgency - Sorry majesty. What I wanted to discuss with you is that there’s some people who seem very upset
King - Kill them
The Master of Counterinsurgency - We are, we are trying our best, but they seem to reproduce like bunnies, they are coming from everywhere
King - What? Are you afraid of them sissy?
The Master of Counterinsurgency - No, your majesty, of course not
King - Do you think I am afraid of them sissy? ( he smiles, chuckles)
The Master of Counterinsurgency - No, of course not
King - They are all gays
The Master of Counterinsurgency - Of course
King – They are communists
The Master of Counterinsurgency – Terrorists majesty, terrorists
King – People love me
The Master of Counterinsurgency - They do
Nurse – They adore you
Tutor – Of course, indeed
King - I want to fart
The Master of Counterinsurgency - Let me bring the mic

Big fart. The Nurse, The Master of Counterinsurgency and Tutor clap. We hear the voice of God

King - God is calling me
The Master of Counterinsurgency – Would you like for us to step out?
King – Of course

The Master of Counterinsurgency, Nurse and Tutor exit to the side

King - Hi God. Yes, I called you. I wanted to talk to you about the pearly gates, the walls of alabaster and the floors made of gold. Suddenly I realized that it might look pretty gay in heaven. Yes, of course is up to you the decoration. Yes, I want to go to heaven. I just had the disturbing thought of Saint Peter with a pearly key holder. I can’t stop thinking about the pearly pearly gates…

The Nurse enters abruptly, interrupting him. The Master of Counterinsurgency and Tutor follow.

The Nurse - (Very loud) I have feelings too you know?
King - What?
Nurse - What are you doing in there? Are you masturbating?
King - I have a wife lady
The Master of Counterinsurgency - He was talking to God, please calm down. (To King) So, what did he say?
Nurse - God?
The Master of Counterinsurgency - Of course, who else?
Nurse - Are you awaiting orders from God?
The Master of Counterinsurgency - I don’t think you can understand this
Nurse – Listen, I know about him better than you. I clean his shit
The Master of Counterinsurgency - Exactly, that’s what I mean
Nurse - I know him very intimately
Tutor - She means closely
The Master of Counterinsurgency – ( To Tutor) What is your job?
Tutor - I write when he asks me to, and I am teaching him how to write…
The Master of Counterinsurgency - He can’t write?
Nurse - You see? You didn’t even know that. No, he can’t write and he can’t talk, he tells him what he has to say
Tutor - Exactly, he has to memorize what I write for him
The Master of Counterinsurgency - Oh, I see. I thought it was God
Tutor - Yes, God talks to him too, but it’s very difficult for him to memorize God’s words, because God doesn’t like to repeat too many times, but I do.
The Master of Counterinsurgency - We could probably record God’s voice so we can make a tape for him to listen to
Tutor - That’s a very good idea
The Master of Counterinsurgency - People love to hear God’s voice through him
Tutor - It’s going to be fabulous
The Master of Counterinsurgency - Very intense
Nurse - He is not ready to speak in public. He can’t control his sphincters
The Master of Counterinsurgency – It’s ok, we can bring diapers
Nurse - I am the only one who can change his diapers
The Master of Counterinsurgency - Of course, we’ll bring you there
Tutor – It will be great, people will love him
The Master of Counterinsurgency - Yes, but I am not sure about the farts though
Nurse - He loves farting
The Master of Counterinsurgency - Oh, I know. But I don’t know how people will take that
Tutor - I don’t think people will get offended
The Master of Counterinsurgency – Well, he wants a mic amplifying them
Nurse - Yes, he loves that
Tutor - Well, it’s certainly very patriotic
The Master of Counterinsurgency - No doubt about that
Nurse - He also likes to puke
The Master of Counterinsurgency - I thought that was his father, the ex King
Tutor - No , no , he likes it too
The Master of Counterinsurgency - His father was so great at that
Tutor - Yes, he could aim and reach a long distance
Nurse - He is not bad either. There’s something very glorious about his puke too
Tutor - Pity people won’t be able to smell
The Master of Counterinsurgency - Oh, they will. I can assure you, they are smelling already
The Master of Counterinsurgency - All over the world
The Master of Counterinsurgency - You know, some people are not very happy about it, they are very dangerous people
Tutor - What are you going to do about it?
The Master of Counterinsurgency - We’ll kill them
Tutor - Good for you
The Master of Counterinsurgency - Well that was not my idea of course, it was the King’s genius

They look at the King, he is lost looking at the wall

Tutor - What is he doing now?
The Master of Counterinsurgency - He is thinking
Tutor - Right, of course
The Master of Counterinsurgency - He is probably planning the next war
Tutor - Oh, we shouldn’t interrupt him then

Loud Music. The Queen enters with the gang

The Tutor, The Master of Counterinsurgency - The Queen is coming!
King – The Queen!

The Queen arrives, sits and smiles.

The Master of Counterinsurgency – Glamorous lady
Tutor – Most refined, beautiful madam, your majesty
Queen – Thanks
King – Queen!!
Queen - Darling! What are you doing?
King – Nothing
Queen - Great !
King - What did you bring honey? What’s that?
Queen – A Gang
King - And why in the world did you bring a gang to the palace?
Queen – I want to show them how honest people live. They are going to spend some time with us. It’s part of their rehabilitation
King – Honey, those people are dangerous
Queen – I know, I know everything about gangs. That’s why I wanted them to see how we live, without killing. (To the gang) Don’t worry Gang, he’ll understand. Now we are going to pray. (To King) Let’s pray honey so we show The Gang the way to God. (She prays) Thou shall not kill
King – Where in the world did you get that?
Queen – It’s in the bible
King – No, it’s not. You don’t understand the bible. That means You People (Pointing at The Gang) Thou shall not kill, got it Gang? Thou… (He feels intimidated by the Gang)
(To the Queen) Honey, come here for a second
Queen – Sure sweetie
King – I love you
Queen - I love you too honey
King - And our beautiful twins
Queen - Me too, I adore them. Aren’t they cute?
King - Yes, they are. We are a beautiful family
Queen - Yes, I love your mother
King - I love her too, she is beautiful
Queen - Yes, very beautiful lady indeed. I wish I was like her
King - You’ll never be
Queen - Well, you are not exactly like your father either
King - I am better
Queen - What is that you wanted to tell me?
King - We’ll have to kill that gang
Queen – Why?
King – They are dangerous. Did you see the way they were looking at me?
Queen – No
King- It doesn’t matter, I did, that’s enough. Take them to the back and get them killed, I have an important meeting. (To The Gang) Sorry Gang, you have to go now, I have an important meeting with very important people.
Quintus, please call the Minister of Defense, the Secretary of War, the Head of Intelligence, the Chief Justice, The Secretary of Charity, Compassion and Pity and the Chief Cardinal.
Quintus – They are all here sir, they are waiting for you. I’ll go get them

The Secretary of War, The Head of Intelligence and the Secretary of Charity, Compassion and Pity enter. They hold hands introducing themselves and each other. They will sit in chairs facing the audience.

The Master of Counterinsurgency - Gentleman, we have very important matters to discuss. The first topic in our agenda is: Satan
Queen - That’s the mean guy
The Master of Counterinsurgency - Number 2: Adam and Eve.
Queen – My favorite couple
The Master of Counterinsurgency – Number 3 - Evil. Does evil come from Eve?
All - mmmmm
The Master of Counterinsurgency - We’ll also talk about family and abstinence.
All – Abstinence
Queen - That’s a keeper
The Master of Counterinsurgency - Then we’ll design a map to infinite justice through the war of peace
All – Abstinence
The Queen – Every family needs one of those
Secretary of War - It’s important to remember that Adam was a man

They All clap

Queen- And that Eve was a woman
All- Exactly
King – It is also important to remember that Jesus was not gay
All – Of course!
King – He got married and had two beautiful twins. He built a very happy family
The Master of Counterinsurgency - Are you sure majesty? I mean I didn’t read the bible lately but.
Secretary of Charity,compassion and Pity - I don’t remember anything like that.
Secretary of War - I think I read something about twins, yes.
Head of Intelligence - No, no, I don’t think so.
Quintus - Are you sure majesty?
King – Absolutely, I had to make a little amendment in the bible

They All Clap

King – Thank you. People read nasty things everywhere. We need to protect Jesus and the American Family
All – Yes! The American family. Let’s protect the American family!

They All get up, scream and hug

The Master of Counterinsurgency – Majesty, I have a request, can you change the part that says that rich people will not enter Heaven?
All - Yes, yes, please amend that
Quintus- Could you change the camel for a flea?
Secretary of War- We can always manufacture bigger needles
All – Brilliant!
King – No, we can’t change that. That’s good stuff
How do you think you keep millions of poor people quiet?
All – How?
King - You tell them that they will go to heaven
All – oh
Secretary of Charity, Compassion and Pity – But how can we arrange that?
King – Very easily, they have to die first
All - Fantastic
King - We get it here, they get it there

They all admire the idea

The Master of Counterinsurgency – ok, we have to talk about Joseph now
Secretary of War – We didn’t talk about Leviticus yet
Secretary of Charity, Compassion and Pity – I think the war spending comes first
The Master of Counterinsurgency – Ok, We spent 3 trillion dollars in the war. We are running out of money
King – Alright, we’ll cut taxes to the billionaires then
All – Brilliant idea

They clap

The Master of Counterinsurgency – So where are we going to get the money from?
King – From the rest of the people. Cut water. They don’t need water
The Secretary of War- But you know, your majesty, if I may. The rich are actually the ones who like the war
Quintus – Exactly, we need it , I mean they need it
King – Yes, but they don’t have to go to war. Why should they pay for it? People think that we have to pay for everything. The ones who go to war should pay for it, for their guns, their food, their bombs, they will be the ones throwing them, aren’t they? People think we have to pay for everything. They get those ideas from socialism, communism or something.
All – Yes, you are right. It makes sense
The Head of Intelligence - But, what are we going to say to the people?
King - We’ll tell them that if we cut taxes from the billionaires it creates jobs

They all laugh and clap

Secretary of War - I have a proposal sir
King – Majesty
Secretary of War- Sorry, Majesty. I have a proposal regarding trophies as a valiant remembrance of our accomplishments
Queen – Beautiful
Secretary of War - I am a hunter majesty
Secretary of Charity, Compassion and Pity – Macho
Head of Intelligence - Admirable.
Quintus - Praise worthy
Secretary of War - Thank you. You know how glorious it is to cut the head of the animal you kill and to hang it in your living room
Secretary of Charity, Compassion and Pity - Beautiful
Head of Intelligence - glorious,
The Master of Counterinsurgency - So Manly.
Head of Intelligence - Courageous
Secretary of War - I was thinking Majesty, that we should also be allowed to hang the heads of the people we kill, to remember our struggle for peace

They clap

Secretary of Charity, Compassion and Pity – Exactly, we are spending a fair amount of money in those killings, we should keep the trophies
All – Yes, the trophies
King – It’s a very compassionate idea gentlemen. Unfortunately I don’t think I have enough room in the house for so many heads
Secretary of War- Exactly, that’s my point. We need bigger houses

They clap

Queen - (We hear sentimental music in the background) Sorry to interrupt, I believe trophies are very important, but there are many ways to remember glorious times. When my husband was the governor, for example, he had to sign so many authorizations for executions. He was so modest, he was not saving them. But I did, and I put them in a frame, one after the other. They are now decorating our 200 foot long hallway , the one that takes you to the gardens. They remind us of the hard work to become a King

They sigh full of admiration. She smiles

King - We don’t need to show off. We know we killed them, that should be enough to feel good about ourselves. What’s the next topic?
Sir - The Enemy
All – The get up. The Enemy!
King – What about the enemy?
Head of Intelligence - Where is the enemy?
King - Who cares? We’ll destroy the enemy
The Master of Counterinsurgency - Yes, we’ll destroy the enemy.
Secretary of Charity , Compassion and Pity - The enemy is somewhere, that’s for sure,
Secretary of War - We’ll find the enemy.
King - I don’t have time for that. Who cares where he is?
All – Nobody cares!
King - Next topic!
The Master of Counterinsurgency - The sanctity of marriage
King - Very simple. All saints were married. And everyone who gets married is a saint. Marriage comes from Adam and Eve, who were married, and were saints and a man and a woman. After that we all kept doing the same thing, in the name of God and the Saints
Secretary of Charity, Compassion and Pity - Some saints didn’t marry sir
King – Because they were too holy
Head of Intelligence – God bless the holy saints in the name of God
King – Next Topic !
The Master of Counterinsurgency - Masturbation
Secretary of Charity, Compassion and Pity- What do you mean masturbation?
All - What’s that?
The Master of Counterinsurgency - I am not sure. I am sorry, I don’t know who put that in the agenda

They all look very confused and guilty

All - Next topic, next topic
The Master of Counterinsurgency – I am so sorry , yes the next topic is Global warming.
All – What’s that?
The Master of Counterinsurgency - Basically, they hate democracy and our freedom of business
All – So scary
Head of Intelligence – Why?
King – It’s the immigrants!
Secretary - No, it’s the environmentalists.
King - Oh, I know those, they hate carbon Monoxide, they call it a pollutant, we call it…
All together with sweet voice– Life
Sir - They are threatening us, with stronger hurricanes, food shortage, the destruction of the rain forest, a rise of the level of the oceans, the melting of the glaciers
King – They are such sissies, we are going to rapture anyway
All - Stop them! They are killing the Polar bears, and the birds
King - It’s ok, we can solve that with atomic energy
All – Brilliant
The Master of Counterinsurgency - We need more Plutonium
All- Yes, more Plutonium!
Secretary of War – We can cut all the trees and make bigger cars instead to give some shade

We hear loud noise of people yelling, banging at the door

King - What’s that?
The Master of Counterinsurgency - People are very angry sir. They are coming from everywhere. They are screaming and breaking things. It’s the Revolution.
King – Commodify it!
All - Yes, buy it
Queen - Yes, honey, buy the revolution. I want to be cool

Loud Music. They start running around, this is a RUN! choreography.

The Fall of the King.

All - The King is falling!!!!!

The King starts feeling sick and falls on the floor

King –I am falling! I am falling!
All - The King is falling!
King - Traitors! I’ve been poisoned!
All - Oh, he is falling poisoned!

The King falls dead on the floor. Everybody cries sad and melodramatic

Queen – The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away
Head of Intelligence – The King is dead, that’s awful!
The Master of Counterinsurgency – He was not really the King
Secretary of Charity, Compassion and Pity – What are we going to do now?
Queen – We’ll find another one
The Head of Intelligence - We should try to get one without an accent
Queen – (yes, he shouldn’t be Hispanic, people will notice). Yes, He should speak good English
Secretary of War - The King is dead!
All- Long live The King!

We hear sacred music

Secretary of Charity, Compassion and Pity– Majesty! The Pope is here! He is coming in The Pope Mobile!

The Pope enters in The Pope Mobile. The King rises. Everybody goes back to character.

King – Oh, to whom do I owe this honor?
The Pope - Oh, Majesty

The Pope kneels to the King

King – No, Pope, you shouldn’t kneel
The Pope- Yes, majesty, I want to kneel in front of my King
King - You are my King, the King of all of us (He jumps on him to kiss his feet)
King – Holy Pope, I am so honored you came to visit us. What’s the holy reason of your visit?
Pope - I came to discuss the Sanctity of Marriage
All – Bravo, we love it (They hug and kiss passionately)
Pope - There are many ways to look at the sanctity of marriage. You need at least, at the very least one dick, but certainly Not 2. God said that very clearly: A man and a woman. He says that in Leviticus
Queen - Excuse me your holiness, I believe He says that in Genesis
Pope - Yes, in Genesis too
Head of Intelligence - It wasn’t God, I think it was Joseph
The Master of Counterinsurgency - Joseph, the father of Jesus Christ?
Secretary of War - Excuse me, God was the father of Jesus Christ
The Master of Counterinsurgency - I know, what I mean is that he was the husband of Mary
Secretary of War - That doesn’t make him the father of Jesus
The Master of Counterinsurgency - Of course not
Queen - Well. He was a father in a way too
King - (Jumping off his throne horrified) Jesus had 2 fathers???!!!!
All – Noooo!!!!!!
Pope - It’s ok, relax. Those 2 fathers were not married. They were not even a couple
King - We have to fix this
Pope - It’s ok, we’ll focus more attention in the 3 Kings. Just the three of them, for days and nights, three men alone in the desert, following a star …

Pause. They look at each other uncomfortable.

Queen - Eve, for example was a rib
Secretary of War - No, she was made out of a rib. That’s why she was so…tiny
Pope - You are missing the point. The point is The Sanctity of Marriage
King - Pope, please we need to add something in the bible about The American Family
Pope - It is in there!
Queen - Did God talk about The American Family?
Pope – Yes

They get happy and moved, looking up to God

Pope - It’s all symbolic, you know. America didn’t’ exist at the time (they all look disappointed and confused)

Queen - That’s a lie
Pope - But we know that when He said: (he will say these lines very fast) King’s heart is in the hands of the lord, as the rivers of water
Every purpose is established by counsel; and with good advice makes war
He meant: God Bless America!

They all fall to the feet of The Pope

Pope - Ok, gentleman, we are trying our best, you know. We might need a contribution, I mean a check. We’ll use the money to ease hunger in the world

All - Awwww (They all write him a check)

Pope - Yes, so many people dying of hunger, we’ll save them. And now, if you don’t mind, I need to sit down, I am feeling a little dizzy. You have to excuse me Majesty, but I think I am going to throw up.

The Pope dies throwing up

The Master of Counterinsurgency - Wow, I think he is dead.
Secretary of Charity, Compassion and Pity – Should we call the police?
Queen - Maybe the Vatican would be more appropriate
Secretary of War - Yes, forget the police, he is not human, he is like a saint. You don’t report saint’s deaths to the police
The Master of Counterinsurgency – Exactly it’s a totally different thing. Let’s not call the police, maybe tomorrow

A character appears with a container with smoke

Head of Intelligence - Look! The smoke! They have a new Pope already!
Queen – So fast? How could it be?
The Master of Counterinsurgency - Maybe this one wasn’t the real pope then
Secretary of Charity, Compassion and Pity - Maybe for security reasons they have an extra pope, for traveling circumstances and things like that

Queen - Yes, that would make sense. It wouldn’t be safe to have the real pope traveling , showing up in people’s homes like that
King – I was wondering, how come, The Pope just showed up, without a holy announcement or something.
Queen – Or a badge…
Secretary of War - I have no doubt that he was the real pope, he was brilliant
All - Yes, it’s true, he was
Head of Intelligence - But then, how come they have a new pope already? . That’s such a tough decision to make, I mean finding a new pope , imagine
Secretary of Charity, Compassion and Pity – Oh yeah.

The Pope wakes up.

The Pope - Oh, I am really sorry. It was a long trip and The Pope mobile goes really fast. I suffer from motion sickness. I guess you cleaned the vomit already. That’s so nice of you, thank you. I had some peanuts in the airplane. We never eat peanuts at the Vatican. I shouldn’t have. Maybe I am allergic to peanuts. I am sure they were good peanuts. I am sure they were not poisoned or anything. There were a lot of people taking good care of my food, experts, food experts. When they offered me peanuts, I doubted for a second, then I thought, yeah, why not? It wasn’t a big bag, just tiny, but it looks like my stomach couldn’t tolerate it. We had a lot of turbulence. It wasn’t an easy trip. There was a storm I think. The landing was harsh. I am not blaming the pilot, I am sure it was the weather, but it was very nauseating. I was holding the vomit all this time. I thought it was going to reabsorb, but it looks like it didn’t. I apologize.
Secretary of War - Sir, I am so sorry to tell you this, but they have a new Pope
The Pope - What do you mean?

They show him the smoke

The Pope - Oh, no. What am I going to do?
King - It’s ok, you can stay with us
Queen – What?
The Pope - Do you have any use for an ex-pope?
The Master of Counterinsurgency - We can give him a job, majesty
King - Sure, what can you do?
The Pope - Not much
The Master of Counterinsurgency - Come on, you are a pope. I am sure you know a lot of things
The Pope - Oh yes, I know about God, Jesus, abortion, pedophilia…
King - Perfect. You could be our Chief Justice

They all clap

King - Join us, we were about to do our nails.
They start doing their nails.

The Master of Counterinsurgency - You have a very nice shape
King – You think so?
Secretary of War - I have pellicle problems
Secretary of Charity, Compassion and Pity - They look good though
Secretary of War - No, you see, the skin it’s too high, it’s the cuticle
The Master of Counterinsurgency - You hands are so soft
Head of Intelligence – Thank you
Secretary of Charity, Compassion and Pity - My skin is pretty soft too
King - Who has the nail polish?
Secretary of War - Here, this is my favorite color. (To the Queen) I love your hair
Queen - Thank you honey, you have pretty nice hair yourself

A person with a mask enters.

The Pope – Oh, a bear
The Master of Counterinsurgency – I think it’s a horse
Secretary of War – I hope it’s not the Trojan horse
King – It’s The Communist!
All- The Communist!
King - Back up Satan! What do you want with our freedom?!
Secretary of Charity, Compassion and Pity - You, anti patriotic!
Queen - Leave my private property alone!
The Master of Counterinsurgency - You, with your stem cells research will destroy nature and human beings
Head of Intelligence - And babies!
King- You Darwin!
Secretary of War - You baby eater!
Queen - He came to kill The Pope!
The Pope – Me?
The Master of Counterinsurgency - Oh, my god! He is going to bomb us!
Secretary of Charity, Compassion and Pity - Oh, you terrorist!
King - It’s so terrifying the Terror of terrorists. We love penguins!
Queen - You are so scary!
Head of Intelligence- Terrifying
Secretary of War - What’s most scary about you is the terror
All - the bombs !
Secretary of War - Stop throwing bombs terrorist. We are free people here!
The Pope - Leave my Democracy alone!
King – Let’s defend our holy democracy

They get up
They will start grabbing food from inside the (clothes) body of the communist. They will eat with greediness and desperation.
Then they stop exhausted, burping, looking at the dead body

The Master of Counterinsurgency - Next topic: Abortion
King - Abortion is evil.
Secretary of War – Yes, it’s terrorism. Against nature. And the rule of god.
King - We need to protect the sanctity of rape. A life is created in the Kingdom of the Lord.
All – Amen Pause. (Burp)
Queen - Oh, honey, the performers are here. They came to entertain us
All - Great, bravo

The Pope offers them some glasses of wine

The Pope - Here, let me offer you a glass
The Master of Counterinsurgency - What’s that?
The Pope - The blood of the Lord
Head of Intelligence - Which Lord?
The Pope - The son of the Lord

A performer enters. She will do an” exotic” dance-poetry piece. The court will comment nervously and disturbed on her performance. She will speak a language they cannot understand, her movements get very sensual at times, and her performance involves screaming and shaking

King - What is she saying exactly?
Queen – I don’t know darling, maybe she is from some other country.
The Master of Counterinsurgency - I like her, she is exotic
The Pope - We never have shows in the Vatican. This is fun!

At t he end of her performance she will introduce The Groom Bride. The Court feels released that her performance it’s over.

The Performer - And Now The Groom Bride!

The groom Bride Appears, it’s a gender variant person, or a man in a bride’s dress.

Queen - Oh, she was just the opener for some other act
King – It looks like it’s a ballet
Queen – Yes, it looks like a … fisherman ballet
The Groom-Bride - I represent the sanctity of marriage. A man, a woman, becoming one, under god

Ze starts a sweet dance without music

King - So what is this, a man or a woman?
Queen - She is both, she represents the sanctity of marriage
Secretary of charity, Compassion and Pity - maybe she is a magician
Head of Intelligence - yes, it looks like a magic trick
Secretary of War - I think she/he is adorable
The Pope - The hat represents god
Queen – Right
King - I would rather see the man and the woman
Queen - It’s symbolic sweetie
King - I know
The Pope - It is true that through marriage we become one, I mean you
Queen – Yes, under God
The Pope – Right.
The Master of Counterinsurgency - That’s why gays cannot marry
Secretary of War - Exactly, it’s like you need both parts… to reproduce
The Pope - It’s nature too. Like fish for example, or oranges. There’s no lesbian fish, faggot oranges
Queen - Right, it’s always male and female… oranges
Head of Intelligence - But she is both
The Pope - No, she is the symbol of marriage
King - It’s not she
The Pope - He, it whatever, it’s the unity
Secretary of War - It’s love
The Master of Counterinsurgency - Exactly love
CHOREOGRAPHY
The End

annotation on Medea

Euripides. The Medea: The Complete Greek Tragedies. Translated by David Grene. Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 1955.

Medea is considered by some people to be a feminist icon. She rejects normative images of femininity, motherhood, and love. She shows strength and power. She is not a passive, submissive wife; she is excessive in the social scheme by acting out of bounds. She acts violently and she threatens patriarchy. The action of the play moves with her passion, her wrath, her anger. Her ire approaches, galloping furiously even before the play starts. Act one finds Medea already at the apex of her anger, and with everybody around her terrified of the possible outcome of her actions, wondering how far would she get with her intentions for revenge and destruction. We can hear her yelling and crying inside the room. There’s a magnifying effect created by the fear and whispered comments of the nurse and the tutor and everybody who had heard about her curses, threats and deep pain. Medea is seen as a strong woman who transgresses boundaries. She is threatening, she is howling, and her grief cannot be contained. But is this “strong?”
In my opinion Medea is just one more construct of an image of woman created by a man; one that becomes imprinted in our culture as a primal idea of womanhood. I see Medea as the epitome of the sexist depiction of women. She embodies a very visceral fear of women by men. Her position is ambivalent: she is a product, or a construct of the patriarchal system but she is also breaking it.

The construction of her character is based on extreme passion. She loves Jason so much that she kills her father and her brother to help him. When they arrive to Athens, Jason leaves her to marry the princess, daughter of Creon. When she is scorned she goes on a rampage and nothing can stop her from trying to destroy Jason, Creon and his daughter. Medea then kills her rival, the princess, with a poisoned dress. The image of women killing each other over a man is a clear patriarchal construct. The princess is the stereotype of the frail victim and Medea is the stereotype of the scorned woman, the dangerous one. Both of these stereotypes deny women’s complexity: a complexity that is, however, available to male personas.
The play provides many (sexist) definitions of women that are drawn from Medea’s behavior. “You were born a woman”, says Medea to herself, “And women, though most helpless in doing good deeds, are of every evil the cleverest of contrivers.” (72) Medea claims Hecate, a three-faced goddess associated with witchcraft and curses, as her “mistress, guidance and partner…In craft and silence I will set about this murder… I swear it by her” (72). Medea’s destiny, as a woman, has been marked by a long line of dangerous conniving women. Everybody who interacts with Medea or hears her painful and threatening laments also feels fear and also comes to the following conclusions about women: “It would have been better far for men to have got their children in some other way, and women not to have existed. Then life would have been good.” (77). This is Jason’s comment, and it limits women’s roles to being the bearer of children and in addition reveals how male believe that alternative ways of giving birth would liberate men from the burden of having to deal with women at all.

Medea’s anger and desperation drive the main action of the play. While drowning in jealousy she is seeking for revenge as the only relief for her intolerable pain.
I would like to focus on her motives; Medea kills her brother and her father to keep Jason close to her, and when she loses him, she kills his new bride, her father and her own children to relieve her thirst for vengeance.
The motive behind the killing of her family is to keep Jason and his love, and the motive behind killing the princess and her own children is to take revenge on him, caused by the uncontrollable anger she feels after losing him .
The Greeks, considered the “Fathers of Western Civilization” gave us as legacy: the ideas of State, Polis and Religion. But we also inherited their ideas of gender. Medea is one of the most resonant images of women in literature, and many of the motifs of Western psychology and philosophy is based on her story of jealousy, desperation and vengeance.
In summary, Medea is part of a larger legacy of images of the femininine constructed to help perpetrate a patriarchal system, devoted to oppressing and controlling women, who appear as hysterical, frenzied creatures capable of so much death and destruction under the thralls of obsessive passion, when all they want is a man’s love. In my view, Medea is a constructed image not of feminist liberation, but of masculine oppression.

bad writing exercise

Armenia – I am telling you! I am going to die!

Aurora – Armenia, please, calm down, you are not dying

Armenia – Leave me alone! Sit in that couch

Aurora – Let me help you

Armenia – Don’t touch me!

Argentina- Listen

Armenia - Sit in that coach I said, all of you!

Aurora – Okay, we are sitting down, come, sit down. Is it okay? Look, we are sitting down.

Armenia – Don’t move I said. Don’t come near me!

Armenia - I am oozing poison!

Argentina- You are not oozing poison

Armenia – Don’t move I said. Don’t come near me!

Aurelia – (She starts screaming and crying)

Argentina – What’s with you now?

Aurelia - This is so disturbing

Aurora - Here, have a tissue

Aurelia – I had traumatic episodes in my childhood and this is bringing it all up again (she cries)

Aurora - You guys were drinking too much

Armenia - I am not drunk, I am oozing poison

Argentina- You are not oozing poison, you are sweaty, it’s hot in here

Armenia – You don’t understand

Aurora - Who poisoned you?

Aurelia - Please, this is stressing me out!

Argentina- (to Armenia) Try to throw up

Armenia - You don’t understand, this is my spiritual choice. I will sit here, I will concentrate, and I will die

Aurelia – (still crying) What is she talking about?

Aurora - Listen, it’s okay, we totally respect your spiritual choice

Argentina – We do

Aurora - Come

Armenia - Don’t come near me, sit on the coach

Aurelia - Why don’t you go die somewhere else?

Argentina- Don’t worry, she is not gonna die

Armenia - You’ll have to eat those words

Aurelia - (still crying) Are you gonna kill yourself?

Argentina - No, she will decide to stop existing, that’s it

Armenia - Are you making fun of me?

Argentina - No, I am explaining to her your spiritual choice

Aurelia - No blood?

Argentina - No blood, she is just oozing poison

Armenia is concentrating

Aurora - Armenia, please, let’s talk about this

Armenia doesn’t respond

Aurelia - Oh my God, is she dead?

Argentina - No, she is still in existence

Aurora - We should call an ambulance (She tries to approach Armenia. Armenia wakes up from her concentration and yells at her)

Armenia - I told you not to come near me!

Aurora - (yelling) I don’t want you to die!

Pause

Aurelia - Oh, this is so romantic

Argentina - Aurora … Are you in love with her?

Aurora - Oh, shut up

Aurelia - She didn’t say that, she said that she doesn’t want her to die. I don’t want her to die either and I am not in love with her.

Armenia - It’s a spiritual choice

Argentina – You can’t stop existing, you have to kill the machine

Armenia - I can control my machine

Argentina – No, you can’t, there’s not a switch to turn it on and off. You have to break it, kill it

Aurelia - Don’t give her ideas

Armenia throws up

Aurora - Are you okay? (to Argentina) You should shut up with your existentialist bullshit

Argentina - My existentialist bullshit? How do you call what she is doing?

Aurora - I call that a crisis

Aurelia - Maybe it’s food poisoning

Argentina - Whatever it is somebody has to clean it up

Armenia throws up again

Argentina - Maybe you are breaking the machine after all

Aurelia - She could be possessed you know

Argentina - Maybe you are dying voluntarily without killing yourself

Aurora - Can you please shut up!

Argentina - What, this is her choice, her spiritual choice. (To Armenia) Although, I don’t think you can make that choice really. There’s nothing you can do about it, you are inevitably alive hon, unless you break the container, and then, you’ll expand in the universe… maybe

Aurelia – Maybe she is poisoning herself from the inside, that’s why she is oozing poison

Aurora - Depression is like poison

Aurelia - Right, maybe it’s emotional poison, that turns into actual poison. (To Armenia) What did you eat?

Pause

Aurora - I think she is unconscious

Aurelia - Are we going to stay sitting here?

Aurora - That’s what she wants us to do. We are the audience

Aurelia - Of her death?

Aurora - I guess

Aurelia - I guess she needs us as witnesses

Armenia raises from her vomit

Armenia - I will leave my body here

Argentina - And where are you going?

Aurora - Can you shut up?

Armenia - I am slowly disconnecting the ties

Aurelia - Uh huh

Armenia - Soon, I won’t be able to speak

Argentina - No, you won’t

Armenia - What is of me… (she bends and can’t continue talking)

Aurelia – Honey, there’s a way back you know. Listen, I read about mental illness

Armenia - This is not mental illness

Argentina - What is it?

Armenia - god

Argentina - Well…

Aurora - Are you calling faith a mental illness?

Aurelia - Are you talking to God?

Armenia - I think it’s beyond God

Argentina - Wow, you really are far away

Aurora – Don’t you want to come here with us?

Armenia - I don’t think I could anymore

Aurelia – It’s easier than you think

Argentina - You are talking to us …

Armenia - I am departing

Aurora - Why don’t you want to be alive?

Armenia - it’s about going, it doesn’t matter what’s behind

Aurora - Why don’t you try to eat something?

Armenia - And then what?

Aurelia - She is right, what if she throws up again?

Stop calling us Hispanics. We don't want to be named after our colonizer

In the era of the sanctity of “opposite marriage”, when being gay is worse than torturing, and people are afraid of the “big gay storm”. When politics is becoming so theatrical then theatre has to be more political.

Hamletango

HAMLETANGO, Prince of Butches
by Susana Cook

A working class butch prince and the ghost of her mother borrowing some respect from the classics.
What would happen if an Argentinean immigrant and her gang of butches decide to do Shakespeare?
"The most feminist, erotic, exotic and hysterical adaptation of Hamlet I’ve ever seen"

"Butch Hamlet uses the classics to make a point about Argentinean culture and colonialism" or not
Why Lesbian Hamlet? Is Hamlet coming out? Was Hamlet a lesbian? Could he have been? What would have happened if he was? Would it be a classic? Is the classic culture too straight? Or just straight? Or white? What if Hamlet was a Spic? What if he wasn¹t a prince? What if he was working class? What was happening with the working class in the meanwhile? Were they also seeing ghosts? What would a ghost have told them? Were they also killing each other? Where ghosts visiting people at the time? Were they asking them for revenge?
HAMLETANGO: The Power of classics. The power of lesbians.


HAMLETANGO, Prince of Butches, written and directed by Susana Cook opened at WOW Café Theater on March 7th 2002 with the following cast:

Susana Cook as Butch Hamlet
Lisa Haas as Maria Josefa
Mistah as Ceferina
Storme as Francisa
Nora as Aron
D’Lo as Yoyo Ramona
Anita Maldonado as Cindy
Moira Cutler as Felia
Ira Jeffries as Rony
Fanya Cutler as dead Felia
Dexter Thompson as Clown 1
Liz Reynolds as Clown 2
Migdalia Jimenez as the Ghost of the mother

HAMLETANGO, PRINCE OF BUTCHES
BY SUSANA COOK

Characters:
Butch Hamlet (a butch)
Her friends: Ceferina, Francisca, Aron, Yoyo Ramona and Cindy
Felia
Dead Felia
Rony
2 Coffin carriers
Clown 1
Clown 2
Ghost of the Mother

The stage has three different areas: To the left, a porch, to the right a living room and the center stage is empty. Ceferina, Francisca, Aron, Yoyo Ramona, Cindy and Butch Hamlet enter, they go to the living room, Maria Josefa's house. The house looks very cozy. The gather around the table and make comments about different ornaments in the house.


Cindy - This is lovely

Maria Josefa - You like it?

Ceferina - It smells good in here

Maria Josefa - I made a little something

Francisca - We didn't see each other in a longtime

Aron - I know, we should get together more often

Yoyo Ramona -When was the last time we all got together?

Ceferina - Oh, my God, I think it was for Litti's funeral!

Yoyo Ramona - That's right, it was for Litti's funeral

Cindy - The poor thing

Aron - Yes

Francisca - I still have her ashes on my clothes

All - What do you mean?

Francisca - You didn't notice? When they were spreading her ashes, as she asked, the wind blew . Her ashes came right to my pants

Ceferina - She was like that

Francisca - I know, that's what I thought. This is Litty, who else would do that?

Butch Hamlet - And you never washed your clothes?

Francisca - I couldn't. How could I send Litty to the laundromat? She is resting in peace in my green pants

Cindy - Your green pants?

Francisca - Yes

Yoyo Ramona - So you don't wear them anymore?

Francisca - Well, no.

Butch Hamlet - Where are they?

Francisca - In a box

Ceferina - So Litty is in a box in your house?

Francisca - I guess

Yoyo Ramona - And we thought all these years that she was buried down there

Ceferina - I even went to visit her

Aron - I brought her flowers

Ceferina - Can we visit her in your house?

Francisca - You sure do

Maria Josefa - Oh, Litty is in your green pants!

Francisca - And a little bit on the shirt

Ceferina - Which shirt?

Francisca - A black shirt. I don't think you'd remember it

Yoyo Ramona - We should see the shirt

Ceferina - I don't even remember the green pants to be honest

Aron - I do

Yoyo Ramona - We should go to your house

Francisca - Yes, sure. Anytime.

Cindy - She was my best friend. Why didn't she come to my pants?

Maria Josefa - It makes sense to me. You were friends.

Cindy - What do you mean? (to Francisca) You were ....?

Maria Josefa - Oh, Cindy, you didn't know?

Cindy - You guys, were lovers ?

Aron - I didn't know either

Butch Hamlet - Oh, girls. It was so obvious!

Cindy - That's not the point. We were friends. How come you didn't tell us?

Francisca - You know Litty. She was very particular about those things

Cindy - Litty was great

Francisca - Oh, I know she was great. I mean, she was very particular about her privacy

Cindy - But we were friends. She was my best friend

Ceferina - (to Maria Josefa) You have a lovely place

Francisca - It's beautiful

Butch Hamlet (looking at the audience) - Who are those people?

Maria Josefa - My neighbors.

Butch Hamlet - They are so nosy

Maria Josefa - I know. They are looking at me all the time. But they can't hear a word, don't worry about it

Cindy - I am in shock

Butch Hamlet - Let go already, forget Litty

Cindy - To forget Litty? She was my best friend!

Yoyo Ramona - We were all friends. I hate that best friend thing

Maria Josefa - Who wants tea?

Aron - I do

Ceferina - I love these cookies

Maria Josefa - I invited you all here because I have something important to tell you

Cindy - Oh, my God! There's more?

Maria Josefa - Well, I didn't know that you were going to start talking about Litty

Aron - It's ok

Cindy - And for how long were you lovers?

Ceferina - Cindy, let go already

Francisca - It's ok. On and off for two years

Cindy - Do you have any idea why didn't she want to talk to me about it?

Ceferina - Maria Josefa said she had something important to say

Francisca - (to Cindy) I am not sure. I don't remember

Cindy - Oh, come on. She didn't talk about me?

Ceferina - Of course she did honey

Cindy - Somehow everybody kept the secret from me. You all knew and I didn't

Aron - I didn't know either

Yoyo Ramona - She thought you might love her, in a different way that she loved you

Cindy - What!? (to Francisca) She thought that?

Francisca - I don't remember to be honest

Cindy - Yes, you do. Tell me. She thought that I was in love with her?

Francisca - (to Yoyo Ramona) You have a big mouth

Cindy - I thought we were best friends

Yoyo Ramona - You were too jealous

Cindy (to Francisca) - That's what she thought? She thought I was too jealous?

Francisc - You are jealous honey

Cindy - She could have been honest with me

Maria Josefa - Let go already. Litty is dead. Let her rest in peace

Cindy - In her pants!

Maria Josefa - Yes, in her pants. Wherever she chooses to rest

Cindy - So everybody believes that she has chosen to rest in her pants for eternity

Aron - Apparently

Cindy - I want to see those pants. I don't know if I believe this

Aron - You saved the shirt too?

Francisca - Yes

Cindy - And why the shirt? You are a butch. Aren't you?

Maria Josefa - Don't be silly

Butch Hamlet - It was just the wind!!

Yoyo Ramona - Yes, for God's sake! It was the wind

Ceferina - Exactly. She could have flown to my pants

Cindy - Yes, or my pants

Butch Hamlet - Your skirt

Cindy - Yes, what's wrong with a skirt?

Butch Hamlet - There's nothing wrong. You just don't wear pants

Cindy - Sometimes I do

Ceferina - She wanted to say something

Francisca - Yes, what's going on?

Maria Josefa - Thank you. It's very important

Butch Hamlet - Shouldn't we close the window?

Maria Josefa - It's ok. They can't hear, and I said that before. Stop interrupting me

Ceferina - Stop interrupting her

Butch Hamlet - We are listening

Ceferina - Go ahead

Maria Josefa - I have a ghost in my porch

All - What?

Maria Josefa - There's a ghost

Butch Hamlet - Yes, in your porch, we heard. What do you mean?

Ceferina - Stop interrupting her

Maria Josefa - Every evening I sit on my porch to have my tea. I look at the trees, the sky. It's my relaxing moment. One night, last Thursday, I heard the sound of chains and leaves moving. I got afraid at the beginning. I was about to go back in the house

Cindy - Did you have a gun?

Maria Josefa - No, I didn't have a gun

Ceferina - Stop interrupting

Maria Josefa - And then I saw it

Aron - You saw what?

Butch Hamlet - A ghost she said. Aren't you listening?

Yoyo Ramona - A ghost, what is a ghost? There's no such a thing. You were having hallucinations

Ceferina - -Shut up. What's wrong with you?

Yoyo Ramona -You believe in those stories? You all need a therapist then

Maria Josefa - I don't know if I believe it or I don't believe it. I saw it

Ceferina -What is that you saw?

Maria Josefa - A ghost

Yoyo Ramona - In the shape of what?

Maria Josefa - In the shape of a woman

Yoyo Ramona - Then it was a woman

Francisca - What was she doing?

Maria Josefa - Nothing. She was standing there, looking at me in the eye

Cindy - It was a woman honey

Aron - What did you do?

Maria Josefa - I started walking back to the house. I was terrified. And then she disappeared

Yo Yo Ramona - And you went back inside?

Maria Josefa - Yes, I came back in. But I couldn't stop thinking about it

Francisca - Did you recognize her?

Aron - Was it Litty?

Maria Josefa - No, it wasn't Litty

Cindy - Of course not. Litty is in Francisca's pants

Butch Hamlet - Stop it

Ceferina - Nobody you knew?

Maria Josefa - No, nobody I knew

Aron - Was she pretty?

Maria Josefa - Yes, very pretty

Francisca - Did she talk?

Maria Josefa - No, she didn't talk

Yoyo Ramona - Was she...?

Maria Josefa - Let me finish. I couldn't go back to the porch for a couple of days as you can imagine. Last Friday I decided I couldn't give up my porch to a ghost, and I decided to go back there to have my tea

Aron - And she was there?

Maria Josefa - Yes, she came back

All - Oh, my God

All - Let's go to your porch

Maria Josefa - Well, that's why I invited you all here. I don't dare to go alone anymore

Cindy - I am not going there. Thank you for the cookies, but I can't help you with your ghost

All - Let's go

Ceferina - Let's finish the cookies first

Aron - We can bring the cookies to the porch

Yoyo Ramona - I'll bring the cherries too

Maria Josefa - What time is it?

Aron - 9 o'clock

Ceferina - Is this the time that she usually comes?

Maria Josefa - It is around the time I have my tea, yes. If she doesn't come, please do not think that I am crazy

All - Of course not. You don't worry honey. Well, let's go

They walk to the porch and they sit, waiting.

Francisca - This porch is so beautiful

Cindy - What a nice breeze

Ceferina - Who has the cherries?

Yoyo Ramona - I do, here

Maria Josefa - I want to thank you girls for coming. This means a lot to me

Cindy - Well, you invited us for tea. You didn't mention anything about helping you with a ghost

Ceferina - Oh, please. I wouldn't miss this for anything

Maria Josefa - It feels so much better having you here

Ceferina - This is a very crucial experience. We'll feel closer for ever after this

Yo Yo Ramona - For now, we are just sitting in a porch eating cherries

Ceferina - No, honey. We are waiting for a ghost

Yo Yo Ramona - I know, anybody could be waiting for a ghost in any porch. Is that gonna make them feel closer for life?

Ceferina - Gosh she is stubborn

Yo Yo Ramona - I am not stubborn, I am rational

Ceferina - That's not rational, that's boring

Yo Yo Ramona - Rational is always boring

Ceferina - In that case you are very rational, you are right

Cindy - Shut up now. We are waiting for a ghost here

Francisca - Shouldn't we stay quiet, so we don't scare her?

Maria Josefa - I don't know

Yo Yo Ramona - Ghosts do not exist

Aron - What do you know about what exists and doesn't exist?

The ghost appears. She carries a frying pan and makes noise with it. They watch quiet. The ghost mumbles sounds and words they don't understand

All - (soft voice) Oh, my God

Butch Hamlet - No!

They all scream

Butch Hamlet - Oh

Cindy - It's ok honey

Francisca - Are you ok?

Butch Hamlet - Oh my ... Oh, God

Maria Josefa - What hon?

Butch Hamlet - That's my mother

All - Damn. Your mother? Are you sure?

Cindy - I didn't know your mother was dead. I am so sorry

Aron - You had a beautiful mother

Francisca - Can you guys shut up, she is under a shock

Maria Josefa - Honey, I had no idea that it was your mother. I am glad you came

Butch Hamlet - Why is she coming to your house?

Yo Yo Ramona - Close enough

Cindy - Do you have a porch?

Butch Hamlet - No, why?

Cindy - I don't think ghosts can show up in apartments

Aron - I am really sorry

Butch Hamlet - About what?

Aron - I didn't know your mother was dead

Butch Hamlet - It's ok.

(to the ghost) Mom, is that you?

Yo Yo Ramona - Of course it's her. You said so

Butch Hamlet - Mom, why are you coming back? Is there anything you want me to know?

Ghost - Are you ok?

All - Awwww...

Butch Hamlet - Yes, I am ok

Maria Josefa - (some tears) Isn't that sweet?

Butch Hamlet - She came back to see if I am ok?

Maria Josefa - She is your mother honey

Butch Hamlet - Mother, you need me to avenge you? Is there anything you want me to do?

Ceferina - Could you ask her how death feels like?

Butch Hamlet - Are you resting in peace?

We can hardly hear the ghost' voice. They all hug

Aron - I miss you she said

Cindy - That's what she said?

Aron - Yes, I heard

Ceferina - I told you this experience will unite us for ever

Butch Hamlet - I miss you too. (to her friends) I feel like a prince

Maria Josefa - You are a prince honey

Cindy - I feel the goosebumps

Butch Hamlet - Maybe I should do something. Maybe she wants me to avenge her

Cindy - How did she die? Did somebody kill her?

Butch Hamlet - (to the ghost) Did somebody kill you mom?

Ceferina - She seems to be doing ok

Cindy - You don't know. Why did she come back then?

Yoyo Ramona - What?

Butch Hamlet - Do you want me to avenge you?

Ghost makes noise with the empty pan

Cindy - Your mother is so nice

Butch Hamlet - Do I have a British accent?

Francisca - More like Hispanic accent

Butch Hamlet - Like Othello ?

Francisca - Yes, right, like Othello

Ceferina - Well if she doesn't want you to kill anybody this could very well be the end

Yo Yo Ramona - I don't really see her. Do you all see a ghost or you are pretending?

Francisca - You can't see her? You didn't hear anything?

Yo Yo Ramona - No

Ceferina - What's wrong with you?

Yo Yo Ramona - Maybe there's something wrong with you. I don't do drugs

Francisca - We are not on drugs. She is there

Yo Yo Ramona - According to your mind

Cindy - She is calling us crazy

Ceferina - (to Butch Hamlet) Don't you feel like crying?

Butch Hamlet - No, why?

Ceferina - You didn't see your mother in so many years

Yo Yo Ramona - Are you sure she is dead?

Aron - Listen, that is not a person, that is clearly the ghost of a person

They all stare at the ghost that is disappearing slowly

Butch Hamlet - Where did she go?

Maria Josefa - She is gone

They all hug each other

Ceferina - Are we gonna tell people about this?

Francisca - Why not?

Cindy - They'll think we are crazy


TANGO

Butch Hamlet - To live, to die. To love, to be lonely. To starve, to worry about eating too much. To think, to believe. To work, to be unemployed. To be bored, not to have a minute to be bored because you are always working your ass. To care, not to care.
To be or not to be. Are you? Check one. Yes. No. If no. Check one. Woman? Lesbian? Person of color? Poor? Addict? Homeless?


Ceferina - These cherries are delicious.

Francisca - It's getting hot in here

Maria Josefa - Yes, feel free to take off some clothes

Cindy - Thank you honey

(They take off some clothes, and put on some other clothes)

Cindy - I feel more comfortable now

Ceferina - This is a lovely color

Cindy - I made it myself

All - No way

Ceferina - Really? And the skirt too?

Cindy - I make most of my clothes. You just give me a little bit of fabric and scissors. I have so many ideas

Maria Josefa - You were always very creative

Cindy - Yes, I enjoy it

Maria Josefa - The most creative of us all

Yoyo Ramona - I think each person is creative in a different way

Ceferina- You could make money designing clothes you know?

Cindy - I don't do it for the money

Maria Josefa - You just dress yourself?

Cindy - Yes, and the ones I love

Francisca - You never dressed us

Cindy - I made a great dress for Litty once. Do you remember the dress? It was blue, falling like that to the side with a neckline, a lace collar and a bow. You could see her legs up to here. She had beautiful legs. She loved that dress. You didn't see it?

Maria Josefa - Yes, of course we did.

Others - I don't remember

Maria Josefa - She was wearing it in that party, when they gave her the award

Aron - That was a beautiful party

Francisca - I couldn't go to that party. But I think I remember the dress, she wore it for a party

Cindy - What party ?

Ceferina - And where are all her clothes?

All - I don't know. The family probably has it

TANGO : I DRESS THEREFORE I AM

Butch Hamlet
I am a woman in a lesbian body
I am a man in a woman's body
I am a woman's body in men's clothes
I am a man born with earrings
I am a butch costume with long hair
I am a masculine voice of a feminine soul
I am a menstruating female body with masculine gestures
I have a non-shaved woman's skin
I have dyke's clothes
I transvestite when I put on a dress
I wear my name
I am the name
I get dressed, I perform
I can't perform my desire, I can
I can't dress my desire, I can
I have my desire, I am
I wear gestures
I wear expectations
I wear meanings
I don't wear breasts, I have
I don't wear a phallus I am
I say,
I have my sex, I am my gender
I am not naked
I've never been


Cindy - It's so true

Butch Hamlet walks nervously. He is looking at the curtain in front of them

Ceferina - What's with her ?

Cindy - I think she is right.

Francisca - That's the way she feels, leave her alone

Maria Josefa - She is processing

Yoyo Ramona- I think she needs medication

Butch Hamlet - Do you hear?

Cindy - What? What now? Honey, please, we are very stressed out. It's very true what you said. We all agree

Butch Hamlet - Behind that curtain. There's someone in there

Yo Yo Ramona - I don't hear anything. You guys should stop now, you are going crazy

Butch Hamlet - There's someone behind that curtain spying on us

Yoyo Ramona - I told you, she needs medication

Ceferina - I think she is right. There's someone behind the curtain

Yoyo Ramona - You all need medication

Cindy - You should have some respect

Maria Josefa - Please, I don't want this to be happening in my house

Francisca - You invited us here

Maria Josefa - I know. I wonder if this is some kind of message

Yoyo Ramona - There's no message

Cindy - I agree with her. There's no message.

(We hear noise coming from behind the curtain.)

Butch Hamlet - A sword

Aron - (She gives Butch Hamlet a sword) yes, you should go.

Butch Hamlet - They are looking at me from behind the curtains. Why are they spying on me?

Ceferina - It's not only you. They are spying on all of us

Butch Hamlet - No, it's me. I know. My phone is tapped .

(TANGO MUSIC)

To be seen, not to be seen. To be controlled, not to be controlled. To be suspicious, not to be suspicious. To be an honest person. To look like an honest person. To be suspicious. To look suspicious. To be followed. To be paranoid

All - Go!

Cindy - Do you think they are controlling all of us?

Francisca - We should be careful

Maria Josefa - This is so scary. I miss my civil liberties

Felia comes out of the curtain. The women sitting at the porch start yelling at her in Spanish

Cindy - Su mama! Quien la mato?

Yo Yo Ramona - Fue Usted?

Ceferina - Eso! Hijos de puta!

Francisca - La asesinaron

Cindy - Nadie dijo nada. Cobardes. Idiotas

Francisca - Cagones de mierda. Caca en los pantalones

Yo Yo Ramona - Si, si, caca en los pantalones

Cindy - (sad ) Ella estaba tan sola. Pidiendo ayuda


While they are yelling Butch Hamlet approaches slowly the woman. They are looking at each other

Butch Hamlet - What where you doing there?

Ofelia - I was swimming

Butch Hamlet - By yourself?

Ofelia - No, with some friends

Butch Hamlet - Are you a good swimmer?

Ofelia - Yes, I am a great swimmer. What were you guys doing there?

Butch Hamlet - We were looking at the ghost of my mother

Ofelia - Is she there?

Butch Hamlet - No, she left already

Ofelia - What did she want?

Butch Hamlet - Nothing in particular. It looks like she just came for a visit

Felia - You like me right?

Butch Hamlet - I do

Felia - And you would like to go out with me

Butch Hamlet - Yeah

Felia - Are you single?

Butch Hamlet - Yeah. I think so

Felia - And you would like to have a girlfriend

Butch Hamlet - Kind of, yes

Felia - So you have a crush on me

Butch Hamlet - You are very pretty

Felia - No, I am not. I am not really pretty

Butch Hamlet - Yes, you are

Felia - It doesn't matter, I don't care. You have a crush on me anyway

Butch Hamlet - Right

Felia - And you would like to go out with me

Butch Hamlet - Yes, I would love to

Ofelia - Well. I am not the marrying type you know. And I am too young to marry anyway

Butch Hamlet - We don't have to marry.

Felia - But you will still ask me to marry you.

Butch Hamlet - Yes

Felia - You'll say you'll love me forever and you'll want me to promise you that I will love you for ever

Butch Hamlet - Uh-huh

Felia - Forever and ever

Butch Hamlet - Uh-huh

Ofelia - Why?

Butch Hamlet - I am romantic

Ofelia - You could talk about depth of feelings instead of duration

Butch Hamlet - Sure

Felia - Good

Butch Hamlet - I never loved this way before. I loved in ten thousand other ways. You are not the first one obviously, but you could be the one for ever

Ofelia - No, there's no for ever. Can't you talk about depth?

Butch Hamlet - Yes, I love you deeply

Ofelia - That's good

Butch Hamlet - It's not enough

Ofelia - yes, it is

Butch Hamlet - I want you. I desire you. You are hot. You are beautiful. You are the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen

Ofelia - You can't help it

Butch Hamlet - No, I can't. Don't you want to feel unique, somehow? My only one?

Ofelia - Yes, I am. I know I am. You have a big crush on me. I can tell. I care about now only

Butch Hamlet - About now? Are you monogamous?

Ofelia - yeah

Felia - Only now?

Felia - I am monogamous

Butch Hamlet - And how long does it last?

Felia - What do you mean?

Butch Hamlet - You care about now only. It's not very reassuring

Felia - I can't reassure you, sorry

Butch Hamlet - That's what love is there for

Felia - No, it's not

Butch Hamlet - Well, relationships

Felia - You have relationships to be reassured?

Butch Hamlet - No, I didn't say that

Felia - Yes, you did

Butch Hamlet - Some people do, that's what I meant

Felia - Do you like yourself?

Butch Hamlet - Oh, yeah

Felia - Are you sure?

Butch Hamlet - It goes back and forth. Sometimes I feel I am superman, and sometimes I am just the last of all

Felia - You are superman

Butch Hamlet - I love you. Do you want to meet my friends?

Ofelia - Yes, sure

Her friends - (waving) Hi.

Butch Hamlet - Hi, this is Felia

Her friends - Yes, we know. Nice meeting you

Ofelia - I have some cherries

Ceferina - We have cherries, thank you

Maria Josefa - It's ok, we can eat some of her cherries too. Here hon, this is my porch

Ofelia - It's very beautiful

(They start eating Felia's cherries)

Francisca - What were you doing behind the curtain?

Felia - Nothing much

Yoyo Ramona - You always eat cherries?

Felia - Sometimes

Aron - Are you dating?

Felia and Butch Hamlet - No, not really, not yet

Yoyo Ramona - But you like each other

Felia and Butch Hamlet - Yes, we like each other.

Butch Hamlet - (to Felia) I don't know. We discussed only how much I liked you. We didn't get to the part of you liking me

Felia - Yes, I like you

Ceferina - (to Butch Hamlet ) She is too young for you

Aron - It's ok. That's not a problem

Yoyo Ramona - It could be. Sometimes age becomes a problem

Francisca - You can work it out

Ceferina - I feel dizzy

Maria Josefa - I feel nauseous

Francisca - Yes, what is going on?

Yoyo Ramona - Are we all feeling sick?

Cindy - I have something in my stomach, like pain, cramps

Maria Josefa - I can't feel my hands

Yoyo Ramona - My head is killing me

Ceferina - This is very strange

Cindy - Something it's really wrong with these cherries

Ofelia - What do you mean, my cherries?

Maria Josefa - Don't worry honey, don't take it personally, but where did you get them?

Felia - I picked them myself

Ceferina - From where?

Felia - From a tree, duh

Francisca - Well, maybe is not the cherries

Cindy - And what else could it be ?

Francisca - Maybe we are stressed out

Cindy - This is not stress, I know when I am stressed out

Ceferina - It could be food poisoning

Yoyo Ramona - Were we poisoned ?

Felia - Are you saying that I poisoned you ?

Cindy - We didn't mention any poison. Why are you talking about poison?

Felia - (To Butch Hamlet) She said food poisoning

Butch Hamlet - Yes

Cindy - Food poisoning has nothing to do with poison. It means that you ate something bad, not necessarily that you ate poison

Felia - She mentioned poison

Butch Hamlet - Yes

Ceferina - You don't worry honey. We are all a little nervous here, we just saw a ghost

Cindy - I don't know about you, but I am feeling really sick

Yoyo Ramona - I am dizzy

Ceferina - It's the stress. (to Ofelia) It was a very intense experience you know?

Ofelia - I understand, but my cherries are perfectly fine, I was eating them myself

Ceferina - Of course they were fine honey

Butch Hamlet - (While her friends are throwing up) What is wrong with you ? At last I am happy. Can't you be more supportive? I love this woman like I never loved before. I never loved this way. I never loved before this way. This is not the way I usually love. I am loving, but loving, but in loving. My love is growing and growing

Ofelia (to Butch Hamlet) - It's ok, it's ok

Butch Hamlet - No, it's not ok. These are my friends. I wanted you to meet my friends and they accuse you of poisoning them

Maria Josefa - We are not accusing anybody

Ceferina - You didn't eat the cherries

Butch Hamlet - Are you insinuating that

Francisca - We are feeling sick. That's all

Cindy - Very sick, all at once

Ceferina - It has nothing to do with being supportive of your relationship. All I said was that she might be too young for you, but I was supportive, then I started feeling sick

Felia - You are jealous

Butch Hamlet - Yes, why are you doing this?

Ceferina - You are the one doing this

Others - Exactly, you wrote the script

Cindy- You wanted some kind of crescendo or conflict, that's why you brought the cherries?

Maria Josefa - Oh, my Goddess, you did this to us?

Butch Hamlet - No, I didn't want any crescendo or conflict. I don't need that. You guys are getting hysterical

Felia - Stop fighting, It's all my fault. You were all good friends before I came in

Francisca - You call yourself a feminist, and you put all these women fighting?

Felia - They were not fighting before I came. So maybe I should exit

Ceferina - She did this for a conflict, I know her

Cindy - You poisoned us for conflict?

Yoyo Ramona - Are you using us to get some respect ?

Maria Josefa - Oh, my God, She is trying to get a job teaching!

Butch Hamlet - I don't, stop guys!

Francisca - Guys? We are women.

Butch Hamlet - Stop women

Maria Josefa - And you wanted us to be supportive of your relationship? This little lady came here to poison us

Felia - I didn't

Maria Josefa - Just for some little orgasm. You know where conflict comes from? From men's orgasm.

Yoyo Ramona - From men's orgasm?

Aron - What?

Maria Josefa - The whole crescendo towards the conflict , The tension, and more tension, and then the denouement, and then you relax. That comes from men's orgasm. You guys don't read anything?

Aron - I read

Yoyo Ramona - Me too. I read. But I didn't know that. (to Butch Hamlet) You have orgasms like that?

Maria Josefa - No, women have many orgasms, it's different

Francisca - I have one, a strong one

Butch Hamlet - Yeah, I have one too

Cindy - So all this is about our orgasms? So, if there's no conflict it means you don't have orgasms?

Ceferina - So we had an orgasm?

Maria Josefa - In a way, yes

Butch Hamlet - Can we smoke a cigarette?

Aron - No, you can't smoke in here

Ceferina - Well, we can't have sex either and we did

Maria Josefa - No, we didn't. We had an orgasm, but we didn't have sex

Yoyo Ramona - Were we masturbating?

Maria Josefa - No, we were having an orgasm. You guys are so literal

Francisca- Her orgasm

Cindy - Oh, now we can relax. We had an orgasm. You had your crescendo. You can smoke your cigarette

Ceferina - Oh, my Goddess, she is going to kill us now. We all gonna die!

Butch Hamlet - Oh stop, you are going crazy

Maria Josefa - Oh my god, you are right, this is a tragedy. We are going to die

Yoyo Ramona - Are you trying to get funding?

Butch Hamlet - No, nobody is going to die

Cindy - We all gonna die. I know about this. She is lying. This is part of the plot

Yoyo Ramona - Are we starting another orgasm?

Francisca - So you are a feminist after all

Butch Hamlet - Because of the second orgasm?

Aron - I came already. I am done.

Yoyo Ramona - Where can we smoke a cigarette?

Maria Josefa - Nobody goes anywhere. We all gonna come together

Ceferina - And we can't even kiss. (to Butch Hamlet ) Brilliant idea, all butches, we can't kiss now, where did you get that ?

Cindy - Excuse me, I am a femme

Maria Josefa - I don't know how are we going to release all this tension

Ceferina - I feel more relaxed already

Cindy - Me too. I always believed in orgasms, I mean conflict, or both

Yoyo Ramona - Now I feel closer to you guys

Maria Josefa - Oh, yes, yes

They will walk to the table where big pieces of bone will be served. They will start eating ribs .


The Bones Monologue


Butch Hamlet - Who was carrying these bones, as a natural interior support of the flesh?

Ceferina - A cow, and we ate it

Butch Hamlet - We ate the flesh, we spat the bones. We are licking the bones of the cow they stole from us. Once she was playing with me in the lands

Maria Josefa - You play with cows?

Butch Hamlet - Once she was my friend, she made me laugh

Ceferina - We didn't kill the cow ok?

Butch Hamlet - Yes, we did. We do

Cindy - We all gonna die

Butch Hamlet - True. So we might as well kill one another. Let's all kill each other.
Let me eat you Felia until you die. What are we going to do with all the bones and all the blood?

Yoyo Ramona - It's too late to do anything. Keep eating and don't worry anymore

Butch Hamlet - I am not worried. I don't worry. I want fried chicken. Who can kill a chicken for me? So many bones. You kill it. You can do the frying

Aron - What frying?

Yoyo Ramona - The hot oil thing

Aron - That frying? Ok

Butch Hamlet - Would it be horrifying to have a skull on our plate?

Others - Yes, it would.

Maria josefa - I wouldn't be able to eat with a skull on my plate

Butch Hamlet - No, it wouldn't. We would get used to it. We eat with skulls on our plate every day

Cindy - Talk for yourself. I don't have any skull in my plate

Maria Josefa - Neither do I

Yoyo Ramona - I wonder what is she trying to say

Ceferina - I think this is the effect of her seeing the ghost of her mother. (to Butch Hamlet) You mother is fine. You should stop worrying about these things now

Aron - She works too much. She is tired

Cindy - Maybe it's the cherries

Felia - I knew you were going to blame me

Cindy - I didn't say your cherries, I said the cherries

Felia - Is she a vegetarian?

Butch Hamlet - Do you think I am paranoid ?

Others - No, we don't think you are paranoid

Felia - Vegetarian I said

Maria Josefa - Listen, we are good people here. I think you are insulting us

Butch Hamlet - Insults. You want to hear insults ? They are only for women. Blame the language

Cindy - It's true, blame the language

Ceferina - No, that's not true. There are insults for men too

Maria Josefa - Right. What about bastard ?

Yoyo Ramona - You are insulting the mother there

Aron - Pig

Francisca - Motherfucker

Ceferina - Leave the mother there

Francisca - Fucker

Ceferina - Right. (to Butch Hamlet ) You see ? (to the others) We don't have anymore?

Maria Josefa - I think that's it



Butch Hamlet -
I am a frigid bitch
My mother is a bald nymphomaniac
My grand mother is a hypochondriac whore
My great grandmother was an ugly dog
My great great grand mother was a dizzy dame
My sister is a flat chested witch
My aunt is a dowdy matron
My great aunt was a whiny bimbo
My mother-in- law was a cunt
My niece is a stinking vamp
My grand niece is an illiterate slut
My Mother Superior was a snobby, pretentious petit bourgeois
My step mother was a ball buster
My nurse is a hysterical wench
My butcher's wife is a tacky whale
My gypsy fortune teller is a dumb broad
My wet nurse was a fag-hag
My girlfriends are all low-class common fat-assed cows
My girl-scout leader was a sex-starved widow
My half sister is a vicious spinster
My manicurist is an old hag
My typist is a loony hussy
My Avon lady is a temptress
My god mother is a tramp
My seamstress is a bull-dyke
My landlady is an aggressive crone
My grandmother's maid is a home wrecker
My neighbor's washer woman is a bleeding-heart liberal
My midwife was an untalented chorus girl
My girlfriend is a whore
My queen is a conniving shrew

Rony appears yelling form the back

Rony - Hello, anybody home?

Maria Josefa - Who's that? What are you doing in my house?

Rony - You have to evacuate this place

All - What? Why?

Rony - Clear the way, open some room, there's a funeral passing by

All - A funeral?!

Rony - Yes, please, clear the way

A funeral passes by. A rolling coffin with a dead woman on it. At this point audience, performers and funeral are all mixed up. The rolling coffin crosses the theater, to the sides performers and audience look at the funeral quietly.

Felia - Oh, my God, that's me!

Cindy - What do you mean you?

Felia - It's me. I am dead, I died. That's my funeral

Butch Hamlet - You are not dead, I love you

Felia - That's why you love me, I don't exist

Butch Hamlet - You do exist

Felia - Yes, but I am not real

Cindy - Oh, my God. You are a ghost too?

Ceferina - She is like your mother, that's why you fell in love with her

Butch Hamlet - Were you dead all this time?

Cindy - It doesn't matter. You love her, that's the important thing, and she exists here inside your heart. She makes you happy

Ceferina - It never occur to me to check funerals, maybe I'll see mine

Yoyo Ramona - No, you won't, you are alive

Francisca - Yes, for once I have to agree with her

Maria Josefa - That's why the cherries made us sick. They were decomposing

Aron - Everything makes sense now

Yoyo Ramona - What makes sense? Nothing makes sense to me

Dead Felia wakes up and joins the group

Yoyo Ramona - (to the weird creatures carrying the coffin) Are you people also dead?

Maria Josefa - Please don't be rude.

Cindy - Exactly. We don't care. You are welcome here. Nobody will ask you if you are dead or alive, coming back from death, going there

Yoyo Ramona - We are cool with ghosts here

Cindy - Exactly, my very good friend Litty rests in peace in this lady's pants for example

Aron - And a little bit on the shirt

Francisca - Just her ashes

Maria Josefa - Her mother comes for frequent visits to my porch

Butch Hamlet - I was dating a dead person

Ceferina - You're still dating her

Butch Hamlet - I don't know

Felia - Are you breaking up with me?

Butch Hamlet - No, I don't know

Felia - You said you loved me for eternity. This is eternity

Butch Hamlet - I didn't say eternity. I said for ever

All - This is ever

Cindy - The poor girl, she is breaking her heart now

Maria Josefa - Where are your feelings? She just saw her own funeral

Francisca - How can you do this to her?

Yoyo Ramona - She is very pretty

Aron - And she is very nice

Butch Hamlet - Oh, now you like her?

All - Of course, she is dead

Ceferina - But we should stay away from her cherries

Felia - Yes, I am sorry

Butch Hamlet - Will we be able to have sex?

Cindy - Don't be rude

Maria Josefa - You'll have orgasms

Yoyo Ramona - No more orgasms!

Dead Felia - I should keep going

Ceferina - You don't have to go

Dead Felia - This is a funeral

Butch Hamlet - She is right. You guys keep talking about orgasms, this is a funeral

Maria Josefa - Funeral or no funeral, this is my house, and everybody should be comfortable. You might be dead but you are dating my friend, you should stay with us

Felia - You thought I was poisoning you!

Cindy - We didn't know you were dead honey

Butch Hamlet - I don't know if I want to date a dead person

Maria Josefa - Well, too late to think about that

Ceferina - Listen, you were happy. Don't let something so small change your feelings

Butch Hamlet - It's not so small

Deaf Felia - Yes, it is small. Believe me. I am dead, I can tell you that, it's not a big deal

Butch Hamlet - What if I meet somebody alive?

All - No way. Nothing will compare to her. You'll love her more. She is perfect

Butch Hamlet - Yes, she is perfect

Maria Josefa - I thought myself I couldn't deal with a ghost, and here I am, with all these ghosts and dead people, and ashes, and my neighbors. (to the audience) Hi, I thought I didn't like my neighbors. Everybody should sit down on this side now, we have a show for you

They will move all the chairs to one side of the theater and leave some space for a performance.

Butch Hamlet - Please sit comfortably, we have a show for you, about a prince and her mother and her love

Butch Hamlet is facing the audience the rest of the performers will talk from the audience

Ceferina - And her friends

Butch Hamlet - And her friends

Felia - And her girlfriend

Butch Hamlet - And her girlfriend

Maria Josefa - I was the first one to see the ghost

Butch Hamlet - Maria Josefa was the first one to see the ghost

Maria Josefa - And I invited everybody to my house, which was the beginning of the whole story

Butch Hamlet - Right, we are all here because she invited us

Yoyo Ramona - And we had multiple orgasms

Cindy - Don't be rude

Francisca - I had one

Butch Hamlet - We had some orgasms

Francisca - I brought Litty

Cindy - You didn't bring her, she is in your house, you said

Butch Hamlet - Now we know where Litty is

Cindy - No, we don't know anything, that's only what she says

Butch Hamlet - Ok, the performers are waiting. Please, enjoy the show...


The clowns come. The show starts

Clown 1 - The Queen is dead

Clown 2 - The King is dead

Clown 1 - The prince is dead

Clown 2 - The ex-King is dead too.

Clown 1 - Been dead for a while that one

Clown 2 - The ghost of the king is dead. The Princess to be is dead

Clown 1 - The father of the princess to be is dead

Clown 2 - The guy who wanted to kill the prince is dead

Clown 1 - They are all dead

Clown 2 - The whole royalty is dead. God we are sad

Clown 1 - We have no king

Clown 2 - No queen, no prince, no princess, no fathers of princesses. They are all fucking dead

Clown 1 - They killed each other

Clown 2 - They killed themselves

Clown 1 - The king killed the queen

Clown 2 - The prince killed the king

Clown 1 - The king killed the prince with the sword of the guy who wanted to kill the prince

Clown 2 - But then the guy who wanted to kill the prince told the prince to kill the king

Clown 1 - That's why the prince killed the king

Clown 2 - The second king, the one who killed before the first king

Clown 1- Throwing poison in his ear he killed the king

Clown 2 - With poison in the sword he killed the prince

Clown 1 - With poison in the drink he killed the queen

Clown 2 - He didn't want to kill the queen. He wanted to kill the prince. But then the queen drank the drink and she got the poison

Clown 1 - It was for the prince that drink

Clown 2 - And the prince killed the brother of the princess to be

Clown 1 - The princess to be killed herself

Clown 2 - Because the prince killed her father

Clown 1 - It was an accident. He was spying behind the curtain

Clown 2 - It was an accident, she was just swimming

Clown 1 - She was not doing ok

Clown 2 - The prince told her, go to a convent

Clown 1 - He did

Clown 2 - That's how they all died

Clown 1 - We didn't do anything

Clown 2 - Everything started when the ghost of the king told the prince that his brother, who became king after his death had killed him

Clown 1 - He wanted the prince to revenge him

Clown 2 - And so he did

Clown 1 - And everybody died

Clown 2 - We are mourning

Clown 1 - The prince found a skull then

Clown 2 - At the cemetery

Clown 1- And he talks about death and life

Clown 2 - Words we'll never forget

Clown 1 - Never

Clown 2 - That skull had a tongue in it, and could sing once. ... This might be the pate of a politician, which this ass now o'erraches; one that would circumvent God, might it not?

Clown 1 - It might my lord

Clown 2 - Or of a courtier

Clown 1 - It might my lord

Clown 2 - Here there's another one. Why may not that be the skull of a lawyer?


Clown 1 - The queen is dead!! The Queen is dead!!!

Clown 2 - Oh my God! Are you sure? Is she dead? Really dead ?

Clown 1 - Yes, really dead. She just died!

Clown 2 - Oh, my God. Oh, My God. I can hardly believe it! What are we gonna do?

Clown 1- What are we gonna do?

Clown 2 - What are we gonna do?

Clown 1 - Oh, What?? What are we gonna do?? I don't know, we are lost!

Clown 2 - We are lost

Clown 1 - We are lost. We have no queen!

Clown 2 - We still have the palace

Clown 1 - Yes, we have the palace

Clown 2 - Great, we have the palace

Clown 1 - What good is a palace without a queen ?

Clown 2 - And without a king ?

Clown 1 - And without a prince ?

Clown 2 - Who wants a palace without a king, and a queen and a prince?

Clown 1 - Nobody

Clown 2 - Nobody

Clown 1 - I want the palace

Clown 2 - I want the palace. Let's take the palace

Clown 1 - Yes, the queen is dead. God bless the queen

Clown 2 - God, bless the queen

Clown 1 - The palace. Let's go to the palace

Clown 2 - Yes, let's go

Clown 1 & Clown 2 - Noooooo

Clown 1 - We shouldn't take over the palace

Clown 2 - We shouldn't take the palace

Clown 1 - The palace is for the King

Clown 2 - And for the queen

Clown 1 - And for the prince

Clown 2 - And the princess

Clown 1 - We should wait

Clown 2 - Yes, we should wait

Clown 1 - God is gonna send another King

Clown 2 - And another queen

Clown 1 - God always sends those things

Clown 2 - Yes, God bless God

Clown 1 - King bless God

Clown 2 - Yes, let them bless each other

Clown 1 - We'll wait

Clown 2 - We'll wait

Clown 1 - We are waiting. They are all dead

Clown 2 - We should mourn

Clown 1 - Let's party

Clown 2 - Let's mourn

Clown 1 - party

Clown 2 - Party

Clown 1 - Yes, party

The end

Copyright 2002 Susana Cook

Quito

I've been to the middle of the world and I have a key holder to prove it