Sunday, May 17, 2009


HAMLETANGO, Prince of Butches
by Susana Cook

A working class butch prince and the ghost of her mother borrowing some respect from the classics.
What would happen if an Argentinean immigrant and her gang of butches decide to do Shakespeare?
"The most feminist, erotic, exotic and hysterical adaptation of Hamlet I’ve ever seen"

"Butch Hamlet uses the classics to make a point about Argentinean culture and colonialism" or not
Why Lesbian Hamlet? Is Hamlet coming out? Was Hamlet a lesbian? Could he have been? What would have happened if he was? Would it be a classic? Is the classic culture too straight? Or just straight? Or white? What if Hamlet was a Spic? What if he wasn¹t a prince? What if he was working class? What was happening with the working class in the meanwhile? Were they also seeing ghosts? What would a ghost have told them? Were they also killing each other? Where ghosts visiting people at the time? Were they asking them for revenge?
HAMLETANGO: The Power of classics. The power of lesbians.

HAMLETANGO, Prince of Butches, written and directed by Susana Cook opened at WOW Café Theater on March 7th 2002 with the following cast:

Susana Cook as Butch Hamlet
Lisa Haas as Maria Josefa
Mistah as Ceferina
Storme as Francisa
Nora as Aron
D’Lo as Yoyo Ramona
Anita Maldonado as Cindy
Moira Cutler as Felia
Ira Jeffries as Rony
Fanya Cutler as dead Felia
Dexter Thompson as Clown 1
Liz Reynolds as Clown 2
Migdalia Jimenez as the Ghost of the mother


Butch Hamlet (a butch)
Her friends: Ceferina, Francisca, Aron, Yoyo Ramona and Cindy
Dead Felia
2 Coffin carriers
Clown 1
Clown 2
Ghost of the Mother

The stage has three different areas: To the left, a porch, to the right a living room and the center stage is empty. Ceferina, Francisca, Aron, Yoyo Ramona, Cindy and Butch Hamlet enter, they go to the living room, Maria Josefa's house. The house looks very cozy. The gather around the table and make comments about different ornaments in the house.

Cindy - This is lovely

Maria Josefa - You like it?

Ceferina - It smells good in here

Maria Josefa - I made a little something

Francisca - We didn't see each other in a longtime

Aron - I know, we should get together more often

Yoyo Ramona -When was the last time we all got together?

Ceferina - Oh, my God, I think it was for Litti's funeral!

Yoyo Ramona - That's right, it was for Litti's funeral

Cindy - The poor thing

Aron - Yes

Francisca - I still have her ashes on my clothes

All - What do you mean?

Francisca - You didn't notice? When they were spreading her ashes, as she asked, the wind blew . Her ashes came right to my pants

Ceferina - She was like that

Francisca - I know, that's what I thought. This is Litty, who else would do that?

Butch Hamlet - And you never washed your clothes?

Francisca - I couldn't. How could I send Litty to the laundromat? She is resting in peace in my green pants

Cindy - Your green pants?

Francisca - Yes

Yoyo Ramona - So you don't wear them anymore?

Francisca - Well, no.

Butch Hamlet - Where are they?

Francisca - In a box

Ceferina - So Litty is in a box in your house?

Francisca - I guess

Yoyo Ramona - And we thought all these years that she was buried down there

Ceferina - I even went to visit her

Aron - I brought her flowers

Ceferina - Can we visit her in your house?

Francisca - You sure do

Maria Josefa - Oh, Litty is in your green pants!

Francisca - And a little bit on the shirt

Ceferina - Which shirt?

Francisca - A black shirt. I don't think you'd remember it

Yoyo Ramona - We should see the shirt

Ceferina - I don't even remember the green pants to be honest

Aron - I do

Yoyo Ramona - We should go to your house

Francisca - Yes, sure. Anytime.

Cindy - She was my best friend. Why didn't she come to my pants?

Maria Josefa - It makes sense to me. You were friends.

Cindy - What do you mean? (to Francisca) You were ....?

Maria Josefa - Oh, Cindy, you didn't know?

Cindy - You guys, were lovers ?

Aron - I didn't know either

Butch Hamlet - Oh, girls. It was so obvious!

Cindy - That's not the point. We were friends. How come you didn't tell us?

Francisca - You know Litty. She was very particular about those things

Cindy - Litty was great

Francisca - Oh, I know she was great. I mean, she was very particular about her privacy

Cindy - But we were friends. She was my best friend

Ceferina - (to Maria Josefa) You have a lovely place

Francisca - It's beautiful

Butch Hamlet (looking at the audience) - Who are those people?

Maria Josefa - My neighbors.

Butch Hamlet - They are so nosy

Maria Josefa - I know. They are looking at me all the time. But they can't hear a word, don't worry about it

Cindy - I am in shock

Butch Hamlet - Let go already, forget Litty

Cindy - To forget Litty? She was my best friend!

Yoyo Ramona - We were all friends. I hate that best friend thing

Maria Josefa - Who wants tea?

Aron - I do

Ceferina - I love these cookies

Maria Josefa - I invited you all here because I have something important to tell you

Cindy - Oh, my God! There's more?

Maria Josefa - Well, I didn't know that you were going to start talking about Litty

Aron - It's ok

Cindy - And for how long were you lovers?

Ceferina - Cindy, let go already

Francisca - It's ok. On and off for two years

Cindy - Do you have any idea why didn't she want to talk to me about it?

Ceferina - Maria Josefa said she had something important to say

Francisca - (to Cindy) I am not sure. I don't remember

Cindy - Oh, come on. She didn't talk about me?

Ceferina - Of course she did honey

Cindy - Somehow everybody kept the secret from me. You all knew and I didn't

Aron - I didn't know either

Yoyo Ramona - She thought you might love her, in a different way that she loved you

Cindy - What!? (to Francisca) She thought that?

Francisca - I don't remember to be honest

Cindy - Yes, you do. Tell me. She thought that I was in love with her?

Francisca - (to Yoyo Ramona) You have a big mouth

Cindy - I thought we were best friends

Yoyo Ramona - You were too jealous

Cindy (to Francisca) - That's what she thought? She thought I was too jealous?

Francisc - You are jealous honey

Cindy - She could have been honest with me

Maria Josefa - Let go already. Litty is dead. Let her rest in peace

Cindy - In her pants!

Maria Josefa - Yes, in her pants. Wherever she chooses to rest

Cindy - So everybody believes that she has chosen to rest in her pants for eternity

Aron - Apparently

Cindy - I want to see those pants. I don't know if I believe this

Aron - You saved the shirt too?

Francisca - Yes

Cindy - And why the shirt? You are a butch. Aren't you?

Maria Josefa - Don't be silly

Butch Hamlet - It was just the wind!!

Yoyo Ramona - Yes, for God's sake! It was the wind

Ceferina - Exactly. She could have flown to my pants

Cindy - Yes, or my pants

Butch Hamlet - Your skirt

Cindy - Yes, what's wrong with a skirt?

Butch Hamlet - There's nothing wrong. You just don't wear pants

Cindy - Sometimes I do

Ceferina - She wanted to say something

Francisca - Yes, what's going on?

Maria Josefa - Thank you. It's very important

Butch Hamlet - Shouldn't we close the window?

Maria Josefa - It's ok. They can't hear, and I said that before. Stop interrupting me

Ceferina - Stop interrupting her

Butch Hamlet - We are listening

Ceferina - Go ahead

Maria Josefa - I have a ghost in my porch

All - What?

Maria Josefa - There's a ghost

Butch Hamlet - Yes, in your porch, we heard. What do you mean?

Ceferina - Stop interrupting her

Maria Josefa - Every evening I sit on my porch to have my tea. I look at the trees, the sky. It's my relaxing moment. One night, last Thursday, I heard the sound of chains and leaves moving. I got afraid at the beginning. I was about to go back in the house

Cindy - Did you have a gun?

Maria Josefa - No, I didn't have a gun

Ceferina - Stop interrupting

Maria Josefa - And then I saw it

Aron - You saw what?

Butch Hamlet - A ghost she said. Aren't you listening?

Yoyo Ramona - A ghost, what is a ghost? There's no such a thing. You were having hallucinations

Ceferina - -Shut up. What's wrong with you?

Yoyo Ramona -You believe in those stories? You all need a therapist then

Maria Josefa - I don't know if I believe it or I don't believe it. I saw it

Ceferina -What is that you saw?

Maria Josefa - A ghost

Yoyo Ramona - In the shape of what?

Maria Josefa - In the shape of a woman

Yoyo Ramona - Then it was a woman

Francisca - What was she doing?

Maria Josefa - Nothing. She was standing there, looking at me in the eye

Cindy - It was a woman honey

Aron - What did you do?

Maria Josefa - I started walking back to the house. I was terrified. And then she disappeared

Yo Yo Ramona - And you went back inside?

Maria Josefa - Yes, I came back in. But I couldn't stop thinking about it

Francisca - Did you recognize her?

Aron - Was it Litty?

Maria Josefa - No, it wasn't Litty

Cindy - Of course not. Litty is in Francisca's pants

Butch Hamlet - Stop it

Ceferina - Nobody you knew?

Maria Josefa - No, nobody I knew

Aron - Was she pretty?

Maria Josefa - Yes, very pretty

Francisca - Did she talk?

Maria Josefa - No, she didn't talk

Yoyo Ramona - Was she...?

Maria Josefa - Let me finish. I couldn't go back to the porch for a couple of days as you can imagine. Last Friday I decided I couldn't give up my porch to a ghost, and I decided to go back there to have my tea

Aron - And she was there?

Maria Josefa - Yes, she came back

All - Oh, my God

All - Let's go to your porch

Maria Josefa - Well, that's why I invited you all here. I don't dare to go alone anymore

Cindy - I am not going there. Thank you for the cookies, but I can't help you with your ghost

All - Let's go

Ceferina - Let's finish the cookies first

Aron - We can bring the cookies to the porch

Yoyo Ramona - I'll bring the cherries too

Maria Josefa - What time is it?

Aron - 9 o'clock

Ceferina - Is this the time that she usually comes?

Maria Josefa - It is around the time I have my tea, yes. If she doesn't come, please do not think that I am crazy

All - Of course not. You don't worry honey. Well, let's go

They walk to the porch and they sit, waiting.

Francisca - This porch is so beautiful

Cindy - What a nice breeze

Ceferina - Who has the cherries?

Yoyo Ramona - I do, here

Maria Josefa - I want to thank you girls for coming. This means a lot to me

Cindy - Well, you invited us for tea. You didn't mention anything about helping you with a ghost

Ceferina - Oh, please. I wouldn't miss this for anything

Maria Josefa - It feels so much better having you here

Ceferina - This is a very crucial experience. We'll feel closer for ever after this

Yo Yo Ramona - For now, we are just sitting in a porch eating cherries

Ceferina - No, honey. We are waiting for a ghost

Yo Yo Ramona - I know, anybody could be waiting for a ghost in any porch. Is that gonna make them feel closer for life?

Ceferina - Gosh she is stubborn

Yo Yo Ramona - I am not stubborn, I am rational

Ceferina - That's not rational, that's boring

Yo Yo Ramona - Rational is always boring

Ceferina - In that case you are very rational, you are right

Cindy - Shut up now. We are waiting for a ghost here

Francisca - Shouldn't we stay quiet, so we don't scare her?

Maria Josefa - I don't know

Yo Yo Ramona - Ghosts do not exist

Aron - What do you know about what exists and doesn't exist?

The ghost appears. She carries a frying pan and makes noise with it. They watch quiet. The ghost mumbles sounds and words they don't understand

All - (soft voice) Oh, my God

Butch Hamlet - No!

They all scream

Butch Hamlet - Oh

Cindy - It's ok honey

Francisca - Are you ok?

Butch Hamlet - Oh my ... Oh, God

Maria Josefa - What hon?

Butch Hamlet - That's my mother

All - Damn. Your mother? Are you sure?

Cindy - I didn't know your mother was dead. I am so sorry

Aron - You had a beautiful mother

Francisca - Can you guys shut up, she is under a shock

Maria Josefa - Honey, I had no idea that it was your mother. I am glad you came

Butch Hamlet - Why is she coming to your house?

Yo Yo Ramona - Close enough

Cindy - Do you have a porch?

Butch Hamlet - No, why?

Cindy - I don't think ghosts can show up in apartments

Aron - I am really sorry

Butch Hamlet - About what?

Aron - I didn't know your mother was dead

Butch Hamlet - It's ok.

(to the ghost) Mom, is that you?

Yo Yo Ramona - Of course it's her. You said so

Butch Hamlet - Mom, why are you coming back? Is there anything you want me to know?

Ghost - Are you ok?

All - Awwww...

Butch Hamlet - Yes, I am ok

Maria Josefa - (some tears) Isn't that sweet?

Butch Hamlet - She came back to see if I am ok?

Maria Josefa - She is your mother honey

Butch Hamlet - Mother, you need me to avenge you? Is there anything you want me to do?

Ceferina - Could you ask her how death feels like?

Butch Hamlet - Are you resting in peace?

We can hardly hear the ghost' voice. They all hug

Aron - I miss you she said

Cindy - That's what she said?

Aron - Yes, I heard

Ceferina - I told you this experience will unite us for ever

Butch Hamlet - I miss you too. (to her friends) I feel like a prince

Maria Josefa - You are a prince honey

Cindy - I feel the goosebumps

Butch Hamlet - Maybe I should do something. Maybe she wants me to avenge her

Cindy - How did she die? Did somebody kill her?

Butch Hamlet - (to the ghost) Did somebody kill you mom?

Ceferina - She seems to be doing ok

Cindy - You don't know. Why did she come back then?

Yoyo Ramona - What?

Butch Hamlet - Do you want me to avenge you?

Ghost makes noise with the empty pan

Cindy - Your mother is so nice

Butch Hamlet - Do I have a British accent?

Francisca - More like Hispanic accent

Butch Hamlet - Like Othello ?

Francisca - Yes, right, like Othello

Ceferina - Well if she doesn't want you to kill anybody this could very well be the end

Yo Yo Ramona - I don't really see her. Do you all see a ghost or you are pretending?

Francisca - You can't see her? You didn't hear anything?

Yo Yo Ramona - No

Ceferina - What's wrong with you?

Yo Yo Ramona - Maybe there's something wrong with you. I don't do drugs

Francisca - We are not on drugs. She is there

Yo Yo Ramona - According to your mind

Cindy - She is calling us crazy

Ceferina - (to Butch Hamlet) Don't you feel like crying?

Butch Hamlet - No, why?

Ceferina - You didn't see your mother in so many years

Yo Yo Ramona - Are you sure she is dead?

Aron - Listen, that is not a person, that is clearly the ghost of a person

They all stare at the ghost that is disappearing slowly

Butch Hamlet - Where did she go?

Maria Josefa - She is gone

They all hug each other

Ceferina - Are we gonna tell people about this?

Francisca - Why not?

Cindy - They'll think we are crazy


Butch Hamlet - To live, to die. To love, to be lonely. To starve, to worry about eating too much. To think, to believe. To work, to be unemployed. To be bored, not to have a minute to be bored because you are always working your ass. To care, not to care.
To be or not to be. Are you? Check one. Yes. No. If no. Check one. Woman? Lesbian? Person of color? Poor? Addict? Homeless?

Ceferina - These cherries are delicious.

Francisca - It's getting hot in here

Maria Josefa - Yes, feel free to take off some clothes

Cindy - Thank you honey

(They take off some clothes, and put on some other clothes)

Cindy - I feel more comfortable now

Ceferina - This is a lovely color

Cindy - I made it myself

All - No way

Ceferina - Really? And the skirt too?

Cindy - I make most of my clothes. You just give me a little bit of fabric and scissors. I have so many ideas

Maria Josefa - You were always very creative

Cindy - Yes, I enjoy it

Maria Josefa - The most creative of us all

Yoyo Ramona - I think each person is creative in a different way

Ceferina- You could make money designing clothes you know?

Cindy - I don't do it for the money

Maria Josefa - You just dress yourself?

Cindy - Yes, and the ones I love

Francisca - You never dressed us

Cindy - I made a great dress for Litty once. Do you remember the dress? It was blue, falling like that to the side with a neckline, a lace collar and a bow. You could see her legs up to here. She had beautiful legs. She loved that dress. You didn't see it?

Maria Josefa - Yes, of course we did.

Others - I don't remember

Maria Josefa - She was wearing it in that party, when they gave her the award

Aron - That was a beautiful party

Francisca - I couldn't go to that party. But I think I remember the dress, she wore it for a party

Cindy - What party ?

Ceferina - And where are all her clothes?

All - I don't know. The family probably has it


Butch Hamlet
I am a woman in a lesbian body
I am a man in a woman's body
I am a woman's body in men's clothes
I am a man born with earrings
I am a butch costume with long hair
I am a masculine voice of a feminine soul
I am a menstruating female body with masculine gestures
I have a non-shaved woman's skin
I have dyke's clothes
I transvestite when I put on a dress
I wear my name
I am the name
I get dressed, I perform
I can't perform my desire, I can
I can't dress my desire, I can
I have my desire, I am
I wear gestures
I wear expectations
I wear meanings
I don't wear breasts, I have
I don't wear a phallus I am
I say,
I have my sex, I am my gender
I am not naked
I've never been

Cindy - It's so true

Butch Hamlet walks nervously. He is looking at the curtain in front of them

Ceferina - What's with her ?

Cindy - I think she is right.

Francisca - That's the way she feels, leave her alone

Maria Josefa - She is processing

Yoyo Ramona- I think she needs medication

Butch Hamlet - Do you hear?

Cindy - What? What now? Honey, please, we are very stressed out. It's very true what you said. We all agree

Butch Hamlet - Behind that curtain. There's someone in there

Yo Yo Ramona - I don't hear anything. You guys should stop now, you are going crazy

Butch Hamlet - There's someone behind that curtain spying on us

Yoyo Ramona - I told you, she needs medication

Ceferina - I think she is right. There's someone behind the curtain

Yoyo Ramona - You all need medication

Cindy - You should have some respect

Maria Josefa - Please, I don't want this to be happening in my house

Francisca - You invited us here

Maria Josefa - I know. I wonder if this is some kind of message

Yoyo Ramona - There's no message

Cindy - I agree with her. There's no message.

(We hear noise coming from behind the curtain.)

Butch Hamlet - A sword

Aron - (She gives Butch Hamlet a sword) yes, you should go.

Butch Hamlet - They are looking at me from behind the curtains. Why are they spying on me?

Ceferina - It's not only you. They are spying on all of us

Butch Hamlet - No, it's me. I know. My phone is tapped .


To be seen, not to be seen. To be controlled, not to be controlled. To be suspicious, not to be suspicious. To be an honest person. To look like an honest person. To be suspicious. To look suspicious. To be followed. To be paranoid

All - Go!

Cindy - Do you think they are controlling all of us?

Francisca - We should be careful

Maria Josefa - This is so scary. I miss my civil liberties

Felia comes out of the curtain. The women sitting at the porch start yelling at her in Spanish

Cindy - Su mama! Quien la mato?

Yo Yo Ramona - Fue Usted?

Ceferina - Eso! Hijos de puta!

Francisca - La asesinaron

Cindy - Nadie dijo nada. Cobardes. Idiotas

Francisca - Cagones de mierda. Caca en los pantalones

Yo Yo Ramona - Si, si, caca en los pantalones

Cindy - (sad ) Ella estaba tan sola. Pidiendo ayuda

While they are yelling Butch Hamlet approaches slowly the woman. They are looking at each other

Butch Hamlet - What where you doing there?

Ofelia - I was swimming

Butch Hamlet - By yourself?

Ofelia - No, with some friends

Butch Hamlet - Are you a good swimmer?

Ofelia - Yes, I am a great swimmer. What were you guys doing there?

Butch Hamlet - We were looking at the ghost of my mother

Ofelia - Is she there?

Butch Hamlet - No, she left already

Ofelia - What did she want?

Butch Hamlet - Nothing in particular. It looks like she just came for a visit

Felia - You like me right?

Butch Hamlet - I do

Felia - And you would like to go out with me

Butch Hamlet - Yeah

Felia - Are you single?

Butch Hamlet - Yeah. I think so

Felia - And you would like to have a girlfriend

Butch Hamlet - Kind of, yes

Felia - So you have a crush on me

Butch Hamlet - You are very pretty

Felia - No, I am not. I am not really pretty

Butch Hamlet - Yes, you are

Felia - It doesn't matter, I don't care. You have a crush on me anyway

Butch Hamlet - Right

Felia - And you would like to go out with me

Butch Hamlet - Yes, I would love to

Ofelia - Well. I am not the marrying type you know. And I am too young to marry anyway

Butch Hamlet - We don't have to marry.

Felia - But you will still ask me to marry you.

Butch Hamlet - Yes

Felia - You'll say you'll love me forever and you'll want me to promise you that I will love you for ever

Butch Hamlet - Uh-huh

Felia - Forever and ever

Butch Hamlet - Uh-huh

Ofelia - Why?

Butch Hamlet - I am romantic

Ofelia - You could talk about depth of feelings instead of duration

Butch Hamlet - Sure

Felia - Good

Butch Hamlet - I never loved this way before. I loved in ten thousand other ways. You are not the first one obviously, but you could be the one for ever

Ofelia - No, there's no for ever. Can't you talk about depth?

Butch Hamlet - Yes, I love you deeply

Ofelia - That's good

Butch Hamlet - It's not enough

Ofelia - yes, it is

Butch Hamlet - I want you. I desire you. You are hot. You are beautiful. You are the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen

Ofelia - You can't help it

Butch Hamlet - No, I can't. Don't you want to feel unique, somehow? My only one?

Ofelia - Yes, I am. I know I am. You have a big crush on me. I can tell. I care about now only

Butch Hamlet - About now? Are you monogamous?

Ofelia - yeah

Felia - Only now?

Felia - I am monogamous

Butch Hamlet - And how long does it last?

Felia - What do you mean?

Butch Hamlet - You care about now only. It's not very reassuring

Felia - I can't reassure you, sorry

Butch Hamlet - That's what love is there for

Felia - No, it's not

Butch Hamlet - Well, relationships

Felia - You have relationships to be reassured?

Butch Hamlet - No, I didn't say that

Felia - Yes, you did

Butch Hamlet - Some people do, that's what I meant

Felia - Do you like yourself?

Butch Hamlet - Oh, yeah

Felia - Are you sure?

Butch Hamlet - It goes back and forth. Sometimes I feel I am superman, and sometimes I am just the last of all

Felia - You are superman

Butch Hamlet - I love you. Do you want to meet my friends?

Ofelia - Yes, sure

Her friends - (waving) Hi.

Butch Hamlet - Hi, this is Felia

Her friends - Yes, we know. Nice meeting you

Ofelia - I have some cherries

Ceferina - We have cherries, thank you

Maria Josefa - It's ok, we can eat some of her cherries too. Here hon, this is my porch

Ofelia - It's very beautiful

(They start eating Felia's cherries)

Francisca - What were you doing behind the curtain?

Felia - Nothing much

Yoyo Ramona - You always eat cherries?

Felia - Sometimes

Aron - Are you dating?

Felia and Butch Hamlet - No, not really, not yet

Yoyo Ramona - But you like each other

Felia and Butch Hamlet - Yes, we like each other.

Butch Hamlet - (to Felia) I don't know. We discussed only how much I liked you. We didn't get to the part of you liking me

Felia - Yes, I like you

Ceferina - (to Butch Hamlet ) She is too young for you

Aron - It's ok. That's not a problem

Yoyo Ramona - It could be. Sometimes age becomes a problem

Francisca - You can work it out

Ceferina - I feel dizzy

Maria Josefa - I feel nauseous

Francisca - Yes, what is going on?

Yoyo Ramona - Are we all feeling sick?

Cindy - I have something in my stomach, like pain, cramps

Maria Josefa - I can't feel my hands

Yoyo Ramona - My head is killing me

Ceferina - This is very strange

Cindy - Something it's really wrong with these cherries

Ofelia - What do you mean, my cherries?

Maria Josefa - Don't worry honey, don't take it personally, but where did you get them?

Felia - I picked them myself

Ceferina - From where?

Felia - From a tree, duh

Francisca - Well, maybe is not the cherries

Cindy - And what else could it be ?

Francisca - Maybe we are stressed out

Cindy - This is not stress, I know when I am stressed out

Ceferina - It could be food poisoning

Yoyo Ramona - Were we poisoned ?

Felia - Are you saying that I poisoned you ?

Cindy - We didn't mention any poison. Why are you talking about poison?

Felia - (To Butch Hamlet) She said food poisoning

Butch Hamlet - Yes

Cindy - Food poisoning has nothing to do with poison. It means that you ate something bad, not necessarily that you ate poison

Felia - She mentioned poison

Butch Hamlet - Yes

Ceferina - You don't worry honey. We are all a little nervous here, we just saw a ghost

Cindy - I don't know about you, but I am feeling really sick

Yoyo Ramona - I am dizzy

Ceferina - It's the stress. (to Ofelia) It was a very intense experience you know?

Ofelia - I understand, but my cherries are perfectly fine, I was eating them myself

Ceferina - Of course they were fine honey

Butch Hamlet - (While her friends are throwing up) What is wrong with you ? At last I am happy. Can't you be more supportive? I love this woman like I never loved before. I never loved this way. I never loved before this way. This is not the way I usually love. I am loving, but loving, but in loving. My love is growing and growing

Ofelia (to Butch Hamlet) - It's ok, it's ok

Butch Hamlet - No, it's not ok. These are my friends. I wanted you to meet my friends and they accuse you of poisoning them

Maria Josefa - We are not accusing anybody

Ceferina - You didn't eat the cherries

Butch Hamlet - Are you insinuating that

Francisca - We are feeling sick. That's all

Cindy - Very sick, all at once

Ceferina - It has nothing to do with being supportive of your relationship. All I said was that she might be too young for you, but I was supportive, then I started feeling sick

Felia - You are jealous

Butch Hamlet - Yes, why are you doing this?

Ceferina - You are the one doing this

Others - Exactly, you wrote the script

Cindy- You wanted some kind of crescendo or conflict, that's why you brought the cherries?

Maria Josefa - Oh, my Goddess, you did this to us?

Butch Hamlet - No, I didn't want any crescendo or conflict. I don't need that. You guys are getting hysterical

Felia - Stop fighting, It's all my fault. You were all good friends before I came in

Francisca - You call yourself a feminist, and you put all these women fighting?

Felia - They were not fighting before I came. So maybe I should exit

Ceferina - She did this for a conflict, I know her

Cindy - You poisoned us for conflict?

Yoyo Ramona - Are you using us to get some respect ?

Maria Josefa - Oh, my God, She is trying to get a job teaching!

Butch Hamlet - I don't, stop guys!

Francisca - Guys? We are women.

Butch Hamlet - Stop women

Maria Josefa - And you wanted us to be supportive of your relationship? This little lady came here to poison us

Felia - I didn't

Maria Josefa - Just for some little orgasm. You know where conflict comes from? From men's orgasm.

Yoyo Ramona - From men's orgasm?

Aron - What?

Maria Josefa - The whole crescendo towards the conflict , The tension, and more tension, and then the denouement, and then you relax. That comes from men's orgasm. You guys don't read anything?

Aron - I read

Yoyo Ramona - Me too. I read. But I didn't know that. (to Butch Hamlet) You have orgasms like that?

Maria Josefa - No, women have many orgasms, it's different

Francisca - I have one, a strong one

Butch Hamlet - Yeah, I have one too

Cindy - So all this is about our orgasms? So, if there's no conflict it means you don't have orgasms?

Ceferina - So we had an orgasm?

Maria Josefa - In a way, yes

Butch Hamlet - Can we smoke a cigarette?

Aron - No, you can't smoke in here

Ceferina - Well, we can't have sex either and we did

Maria Josefa - No, we didn't. We had an orgasm, but we didn't have sex

Yoyo Ramona - Were we masturbating?

Maria Josefa - No, we were having an orgasm. You guys are so literal

Francisca- Her orgasm

Cindy - Oh, now we can relax. We had an orgasm. You had your crescendo. You can smoke your cigarette

Ceferina - Oh, my Goddess, she is going to kill us now. We all gonna die!

Butch Hamlet - Oh stop, you are going crazy

Maria Josefa - Oh my god, you are right, this is a tragedy. We are going to die

Yoyo Ramona - Are you trying to get funding?

Butch Hamlet - No, nobody is going to die

Cindy - We all gonna die. I know about this. She is lying. This is part of the plot

Yoyo Ramona - Are we starting another orgasm?

Francisca - So you are a feminist after all

Butch Hamlet - Because of the second orgasm?

Aron - I came already. I am done.

Yoyo Ramona - Where can we smoke a cigarette?

Maria Josefa - Nobody goes anywhere. We all gonna come together

Ceferina - And we can't even kiss. (to Butch Hamlet ) Brilliant idea, all butches, we can't kiss now, where did you get that ?

Cindy - Excuse me, I am a femme

Maria Josefa - I don't know how are we going to release all this tension

Ceferina - I feel more relaxed already

Cindy - Me too. I always believed in orgasms, I mean conflict, or both

Yoyo Ramona - Now I feel closer to you guys

Maria Josefa - Oh, yes, yes

They will walk to the table where big pieces of bone will be served. They will start eating ribs .

The Bones Monologue

Butch Hamlet - Who was carrying these bones, as a natural interior support of the flesh?

Ceferina - A cow, and we ate it

Butch Hamlet - We ate the flesh, we spat the bones. We are licking the bones of the cow they stole from us. Once she was playing with me in the lands

Maria Josefa - You play with cows?

Butch Hamlet - Once she was my friend, she made me laugh

Ceferina - We didn't kill the cow ok?

Butch Hamlet - Yes, we did. We do

Cindy - We all gonna die

Butch Hamlet - True. So we might as well kill one another. Let's all kill each other.
Let me eat you Felia until you die. What are we going to do with all the bones and all the blood?

Yoyo Ramona - It's too late to do anything. Keep eating and don't worry anymore

Butch Hamlet - I am not worried. I don't worry. I want fried chicken. Who can kill a chicken for me? So many bones. You kill it. You can do the frying

Aron - What frying?

Yoyo Ramona - The hot oil thing

Aron - That frying? Ok

Butch Hamlet - Would it be horrifying to have a skull on our plate?

Others - Yes, it would.

Maria josefa - I wouldn't be able to eat with a skull on my plate

Butch Hamlet - No, it wouldn't. We would get used to it. We eat with skulls on our plate every day

Cindy - Talk for yourself. I don't have any skull in my plate

Maria Josefa - Neither do I

Yoyo Ramona - I wonder what is she trying to say

Ceferina - I think this is the effect of her seeing the ghost of her mother. (to Butch Hamlet) You mother is fine. You should stop worrying about these things now

Aron - She works too much. She is tired

Cindy - Maybe it's the cherries

Felia - I knew you were going to blame me

Cindy - I didn't say your cherries, I said the cherries

Felia - Is she a vegetarian?

Butch Hamlet - Do you think I am paranoid ?

Others - No, we don't think you are paranoid

Felia - Vegetarian I said

Maria Josefa - Listen, we are good people here. I think you are insulting us

Butch Hamlet - Insults. You want to hear insults ? They are only for women. Blame the language

Cindy - It's true, blame the language

Ceferina - No, that's not true. There are insults for men too

Maria Josefa - Right. What about bastard ?

Yoyo Ramona - You are insulting the mother there

Aron - Pig

Francisca - Motherfucker

Ceferina - Leave the mother there

Francisca - Fucker

Ceferina - Right. (to Butch Hamlet ) You see ? (to the others) We don't have anymore?

Maria Josefa - I think that's it

Butch Hamlet -
I am a frigid bitch
My mother is a bald nymphomaniac
My grand mother is a hypochondriac whore
My great grandmother was an ugly dog
My great great grand mother was a dizzy dame
My sister is a flat chested witch
My aunt is a dowdy matron
My great aunt was a whiny bimbo
My mother-in- law was a cunt
My niece is a stinking vamp
My grand niece is an illiterate slut
My Mother Superior was a snobby, pretentious petit bourgeois
My step mother was a ball buster
My nurse is a hysterical wench
My butcher's wife is a tacky whale
My gypsy fortune teller is a dumb broad
My wet nurse was a fag-hag
My girlfriends are all low-class common fat-assed cows
My girl-scout leader was a sex-starved widow
My half sister is a vicious spinster
My manicurist is an old hag
My typist is a loony hussy
My Avon lady is a temptress
My god mother is a tramp
My seamstress is a bull-dyke
My landlady is an aggressive crone
My grandmother's maid is a home wrecker
My neighbor's washer woman is a bleeding-heart liberal
My midwife was an untalented chorus girl
My girlfriend is a whore
My queen is a conniving shrew

Rony appears yelling form the back

Rony - Hello, anybody home?

Maria Josefa - Who's that? What are you doing in my house?

Rony - You have to evacuate this place

All - What? Why?

Rony - Clear the way, open some room, there's a funeral passing by

All - A funeral?!

Rony - Yes, please, clear the way

A funeral passes by. A rolling coffin with a dead woman on it. At this point audience, performers and funeral are all mixed up. The rolling coffin crosses the theater, to the sides performers and audience look at the funeral quietly.

Felia - Oh, my God, that's me!

Cindy - What do you mean you?

Felia - It's me. I am dead, I died. That's my funeral

Butch Hamlet - You are not dead, I love you

Felia - That's why you love me, I don't exist

Butch Hamlet - You do exist

Felia - Yes, but I am not real

Cindy - Oh, my God. You are a ghost too?

Ceferina - She is like your mother, that's why you fell in love with her

Butch Hamlet - Were you dead all this time?

Cindy - It doesn't matter. You love her, that's the important thing, and she exists here inside your heart. She makes you happy

Ceferina - It never occur to me to check funerals, maybe I'll see mine

Yoyo Ramona - No, you won't, you are alive

Francisca - Yes, for once I have to agree with her

Maria Josefa - That's why the cherries made us sick. They were decomposing

Aron - Everything makes sense now

Yoyo Ramona - What makes sense? Nothing makes sense to me

Dead Felia wakes up and joins the group

Yoyo Ramona - (to the weird creatures carrying the coffin) Are you people also dead?

Maria Josefa - Please don't be rude.

Cindy - Exactly. We don't care. You are welcome here. Nobody will ask you if you are dead or alive, coming back from death, going there

Yoyo Ramona - We are cool with ghosts here

Cindy - Exactly, my very good friend Litty rests in peace in this lady's pants for example

Aron - And a little bit on the shirt

Francisca - Just her ashes

Maria Josefa - Her mother comes for frequent visits to my porch

Butch Hamlet - I was dating a dead person

Ceferina - You're still dating her

Butch Hamlet - I don't know

Felia - Are you breaking up with me?

Butch Hamlet - No, I don't know

Felia - You said you loved me for eternity. This is eternity

Butch Hamlet - I didn't say eternity. I said for ever

All - This is ever

Cindy - The poor girl, she is breaking her heart now

Maria Josefa - Where are your feelings? She just saw her own funeral

Francisca - How can you do this to her?

Yoyo Ramona - She is very pretty

Aron - And she is very nice

Butch Hamlet - Oh, now you like her?

All - Of course, she is dead

Ceferina - But we should stay away from her cherries

Felia - Yes, I am sorry

Butch Hamlet - Will we be able to have sex?

Cindy - Don't be rude

Maria Josefa - You'll have orgasms

Yoyo Ramona - No more orgasms!

Dead Felia - I should keep going

Ceferina - You don't have to go

Dead Felia - This is a funeral

Butch Hamlet - She is right. You guys keep talking about orgasms, this is a funeral

Maria Josefa - Funeral or no funeral, this is my house, and everybody should be comfortable. You might be dead but you are dating my friend, you should stay with us

Felia - You thought I was poisoning you!

Cindy - We didn't know you were dead honey

Butch Hamlet - I don't know if I want to date a dead person

Maria Josefa - Well, too late to think about that

Ceferina - Listen, you were happy. Don't let something so small change your feelings

Butch Hamlet - It's not so small

Deaf Felia - Yes, it is small. Believe me. I am dead, I can tell you that, it's not a big deal

Butch Hamlet - What if I meet somebody alive?

All - No way. Nothing will compare to her. You'll love her more. She is perfect

Butch Hamlet - Yes, she is perfect

Maria Josefa - I thought myself I couldn't deal with a ghost, and here I am, with all these ghosts and dead people, and ashes, and my neighbors. (to the audience) Hi, I thought I didn't like my neighbors. Everybody should sit down on this side now, we have a show for you

They will move all the chairs to one side of the theater and leave some space for a performance.

Butch Hamlet - Please sit comfortably, we have a show for you, about a prince and her mother and her love

Butch Hamlet is facing the audience the rest of the performers will talk from the audience

Ceferina - And her friends

Butch Hamlet - And her friends

Felia - And her girlfriend

Butch Hamlet - And her girlfriend

Maria Josefa - I was the first one to see the ghost

Butch Hamlet - Maria Josefa was the first one to see the ghost

Maria Josefa - And I invited everybody to my house, which was the beginning of the whole story

Butch Hamlet - Right, we are all here because she invited us

Yoyo Ramona - And we had multiple orgasms

Cindy - Don't be rude

Francisca - I had one

Butch Hamlet - We had some orgasms

Francisca - I brought Litty

Cindy - You didn't bring her, she is in your house, you said

Butch Hamlet - Now we know where Litty is

Cindy - No, we don't know anything, that's only what she says

Butch Hamlet - Ok, the performers are waiting. Please, enjoy the show...

The clowns come. The show starts

Clown 1 - The Queen is dead

Clown 2 - The King is dead

Clown 1 - The prince is dead

Clown 2 - The ex-King is dead too.

Clown 1 - Been dead for a while that one

Clown 2 - The ghost of the king is dead. The Princess to be is dead

Clown 1 - The father of the princess to be is dead

Clown 2 - The guy who wanted to kill the prince is dead

Clown 1 - They are all dead

Clown 2 - The whole royalty is dead. God we are sad

Clown 1 - We have no king

Clown 2 - No queen, no prince, no princess, no fathers of princesses. They are all fucking dead

Clown 1 - They killed each other

Clown 2 - They killed themselves

Clown 1 - The king killed the queen

Clown 2 - The prince killed the king

Clown 1 - The king killed the prince with the sword of the guy who wanted to kill the prince

Clown 2 - But then the guy who wanted to kill the prince told the prince to kill the king

Clown 1 - That's why the prince killed the king

Clown 2 - The second king, the one who killed before the first king

Clown 1- Throwing poison in his ear he killed the king

Clown 2 - With poison in the sword he killed the prince

Clown 1 - With poison in the drink he killed the queen

Clown 2 - He didn't want to kill the queen. He wanted to kill the prince. But then the queen drank the drink and she got the poison

Clown 1 - It was for the prince that drink

Clown 2 - And the prince killed the brother of the princess to be

Clown 1 - The princess to be killed herself

Clown 2 - Because the prince killed her father

Clown 1 - It was an accident. He was spying behind the curtain

Clown 2 - It was an accident, she was just swimming

Clown 1 - She was not doing ok

Clown 2 - The prince told her, go to a convent

Clown 1 - He did

Clown 2 - That's how they all died

Clown 1 - We didn't do anything

Clown 2 - Everything started when the ghost of the king told the prince that his brother, who became king after his death had killed him

Clown 1 - He wanted the prince to revenge him

Clown 2 - And so he did

Clown 1 - And everybody died

Clown 2 - We are mourning

Clown 1 - The prince found a skull then

Clown 2 - At the cemetery

Clown 1- And he talks about death and life

Clown 2 - Words we'll never forget

Clown 1 - Never

Clown 2 - That skull had a tongue in it, and could sing once. ... This might be the pate of a politician, which this ass now o'erraches; one that would circumvent God, might it not?

Clown 1 - It might my lord

Clown 2 - Or of a courtier

Clown 1 - It might my lord

Clown 2 - Here there's another one. Why may not that be the skull of a lawyer?

Clown 1 - The queen is dead!! The Queen is dead!!!

Clown 2 - Oh my God! Are you sure? Is she dead? Really dead ?

Clown 1 - Yes, really dead. She just died!

Clown 2 - Oh, my God. Oh, My God. I can hardly believe it! What are we gonna do?

Clown 1- What are we gonna do?

Clown 2 - What are we gonna do?

Clown 1 - Oh, What?? What are we gonna do?? I don't know, we are lost!

Clown 2 - We are lost

Clown 1 - We are lost. We have no queen!

Clown 2 - We still have the palace

Clown 1 - Yes, we have the palace

Clown 2 - Great, we have the palace

Clown 1 - What good is a palace without a queen ?

Clown 2 - And without a king ?

Clown 1 - And without a prince ?

Clown 2 - Who wants a palace without a king, and a queen and a prince?

Clown 1 - Nobody

Clown 2 - Nobody

Clown 1 - I want the palace

Clown 2 - I want the palace. Let's take the palace

Clown 1 - Yes, the queen is dead. God bless the queen

Clown 2 - God, bless the queen

Clown 1 - The palace. Let's go to the palace

Clown 2 - Yes, let's go

Clown 1 & Clown 2 - Noooooo

Clown 1 - We shouldn't take over the palace

Clown 2 - We shouldn't take the palace

Clown 1 - The palace is for the King

Clown 2 - And for the queen

Clown 1 - And for the prince

Clown 2 - And the princess

Clown 1 - We should wait

Clown 2 - Yes, we should wait

Clown 1 - God is gonna send another King

Clown 2 - And another queen

Clown 1 - God always sends those things

Clown 2 - Yes, God bless God

Clown 1 - King bless God

Clown 2 - Yes, let them bless each other

Clown 1 - We'll wait

Clown 2 - We'll wait

Clown 1 - We are waiting. They are all dead

Clown 2 - We should mourn

Clown 1 - Let's party

Clown 2 - Let's mourn

Clown 1 - party

Clown 2 - Party

Clown 1 - Yes, party

The end

Copyright 2002 Susana Cook