HAMLETANGO, Prince of Butches
by Susana Cook
A working class butch prince and the ghost of her mother borrowing some respect from the classics.
What would happen if an Argentinean immigrant and her gang of butches decide to do Shakespeare?
"The most feminist, erotic, exotic and hysterical adaptation of Hamlet I’ve ever seen"
"Butch Hamlet uses the classics to make a point about Argentinean culture and colonialism" or not
Why Lesbian Hamlet? Is Hamlet coming out? Was Hamlet a lesbian? Could he have been? What would have happened if he was? Would it be a classic? Is the classic culture too straight? Or just straight? Or white? What if Hamlet was a Spic? What if he wasn¹t a prince? What if he was working class? What was happening with the working class in the meanwhile? Were they also seeing ghosts? What would a ghost have told them? Were they also killing each other? Where ghosts visiting people at the time? Were they asking them for revenge?
HAMLETANGO: The Power of classics. The power of lesbians.
HAMLETANGO, Prince of Butches, written and directed by Susana Cook opened at WOW Café Theater on March 7th 2002 with the following cast:
Susana Cook as Butch Hamlet
Lisa Haas as Maria Josefa
Mistah as Ceferina
Storme as Francisa
Nora as Aron
D’Lo as Yoyo Ramona
Anita Maldonado as Cindy
Moira Cutler as Felia
Ira Jeffries as Rony
Fanya Cutler as dead Felia
Dexter Thompson as Clown 1
Liz Reynolds as Clown 2
Migdalia Jimenez as the Ghost of the mother
HAMLETANGO, PRINCE OF BUTCHES
BY SUSANA COOK
Butch Hamlet (a butch)
Her friends: Ceferina, Francisca, Aron, Yoyo Ramona and Cindy
2 Coffin carriers
Ghost of the Mother
The stage has three different areas: To the left, a porch, to the right a living room and the center stage is empty. Ceferina, Francisca, Aron, Yoyo Ramona, Cindy and Butch Hamlet enter, they go to the living room, Maria Josefa's house. The house looks very cozy. The gather around the table and make comments about different ornaments in the house.
Cindy - This is lovely
Maria Josefa - You like it?
Ceferina - It smells good in here
Maria Josefa - I made a little something
Francisca - We didn't see each other in a longtime
Aron - I know, we should get together more often
Yoyo Ramona -When was the last time we all got together?
Ceferina - Oh, my God, I think it was for Litti's funeral!
Yoyo Ramona - That's right, it was for Litti's funeral
Cindy - The poor thing
Aron - Yes
Francisca - I still have her ashes on my clothes
All - What do you mean?
Francisca - You didn't notice? When they were spreading her ashes, as she asked, the wind blew . Her ashes came right to my pants
Ceferina - She was like that
Francisca - I know, that's what I thought. This is Litty, who else would do that?
Butch Hamlet - And you never washed your clothes?
Francisca - I couldn't. How could I send Litty to the laundromat? She is resting in peace in my green pants
Cindy - Your green pants?
Francisca - Yes
Yoyo Ramona - So you don't wear them anymore?
Francisca - Well, no.
Butch Hamlet - Where are they?
Francisca - In a box
Ceferina - So Litty is in a box in your house?
Francisca - I guess
Yoyo Ramona - And we thought all these years that she was buried down there
Ceferina - I even went to visit her
Aron - I brought her flowers
Ceferina - Can we visit her in your house?
Francisca - You sure do
Maria Josefa - Oh, Litty is in your green pants!
Francisca - And a little bit on the shirt
Ceferina - Which shirt?
Francisca - A black shirt. I don't think you'd remember it
Yoyo Ramona - We should see the shirt
Ceferina - I don't even remember the green pants to be honest
Aron - I do
Yoyo Ramona - We should go to your house
Francisca - Yes, sure. Anytime.
Cindy - She was my best friend. Why didn't she come to my pants?
Maria Josefa - It makes sense to me. You were friends.
Cindy - What do you mean? (to Francisca) You were ....?
Maria Josefa - Oh, Cindy, you didn't know?
Cindy - You guys, were lovers ?
Aron - I didn't know either
Butch Hamlet - Oh, girls. It was so obvious!
Cindy - That's not the point. We were friends. How come you didn't tell us?
Francisca - You know Litty. She was very particular about those things
Cindy - Litty was great
Francisca - Oh, I know she was great. I mean, she was very particular about her privacy
Cindy - But we were friends. She was my best friend
Ceferina - (to Maria Josefa) You have a lovely place
Francisca - It's beautiful
Butch Hamlet (looking at the audience) - Who are those people?
Maria Josefa - My neighbors.
Butch Hamlet - They are so nosy
Maria Josefa - I know. They are looking at me all the time. But they can't hear a word, don't worry about it
Cindy - I am in shock
Butch Hamlet - Let go already, forget Litty
Cindy - To forget Litty? She was my best friend!
Yoyo Ramona - We were all friends. I hate that best friend thing
Maria Josefa - Who wants tea?
Aron - I do
Ceferina - I love these cookies
Maria Josefa - I invited you all here because I have something important to tell you
Cindy - Oh, my God! There's more?
Maria Josefa - Well, I didn't know that you were going to start talking about Litty
Aron - It's ok
Cindy - And for how long were you lovers?
Ceferina - Cindy, let go already
Francisca - It's ok. On and off for two years
Cindy - Do you have any idea why didn't she want to talk to me about it?
Ceferina - Maria Josefa said she had something important to say
Francisca - (to Cindy) I am not sure. I don't remember
Cindy - Oh, come on. She didn't talk about me?
Ceferina - Of course she did honey
Cindy - Somehow everybody kept the secret from me. You all knew and I didn't
Aron - I didn't know either
Yoyo Ramona - She thought you might love her, in a different way that she loved you
Cindy - What!? (to Francisca) She thought that?
Francisca - I don't remember to be honest
Cindy - Yes, you do. Tell me. She thought that I was in love with her?
Francisca - (to Yoyo Ramona) You have a big mouth
Cindy - I thought we were best friends
Yoyo Ramona - You were too jealous
Cindy (to Francisca) - That's what she thought? She thought I was too jealous?
Francisc - You are jealous honey
Cindy - She could have been honest with me
Maria Josefa - Let go already. Litty is dead. Let her rest in peace
Cindy - In her pants!
Maria Josefa - Yes, in her pants. Wherever she chooses to rest
Cindy - So everybody believes that she has chosen to rest in her pants for eternity
Aron - Apparently
Cindy - I want to see those pants. I don't know if I believe this
Aron - You saved the shirt too?
Francisca - Yes
Cindy - And why the shirt? You are a butch. Aren't you?
Maria Josefa - Don't be silly
Butch Hamlet - It was just the wind!!
Yoyo Ramona - Yes, for God's sake! It was the wind
Ceferina - Exactly. She could have flown to my pants
Cindy - Yes, or my pants
Butch Hamlet - Your skirt
Cindy - Yes, what's wrong with a skirt?
Butch Hamlet - There's nothing wrong. You just don't wear pants
Cindy - Sometimes I do
Ceferina - She wanted to say something
Francisca - Yes, what's going on?
Maria Josefa - Thank you. It's very important
Butch Hamlet - Shouldn't we close the window?
Maria Josefa - It's ok. They can't hear, and I said that before. Stop interrupting me
Ceferina - Stop interrupting her
Butch Hamlet - We are listening
Ceferina - Go ahead
Maria Josefa - I have a ghost in my porch
All - What?
Maria Josefa - There's a ghost
Butch Hamlet - Yes, in your porch, we heard. What do you mean?
Ceferina - Stop interrupting her
Maria Josefa - Every evening I sit on my porch to have my tea. I look at the trees, the sky. It's my relaxing moment. One night, last Thursday, I heard the sound of chains and leaves moving. I got afraid at the beginning. I was about to go back in the house
Cindy - Did you have a gun?
Maria Josefa - No, I didn't have a gun
Ceferina - Stop interrupting
Maria Josefa - And then I saw it
Aron - You saw what?
Butch Hamlet - A ghost she said. Aren't you listening?
Yoyo Ramona - A ghost, what is a ghost? There's no such a thing. You were having hallucinations
Ceferina - -Shut up. What's wrong with you?
Yoyo Ramona -You believe in those stories? You all need a therapist then
Maria Josefa - I don't know if I believe it or I don't believe it. I saw it
Ceferina -What is that you saw?
Maria Josefa - A ghost
Yoyo Ramona - In the shape of what?
Maria Josefa - In the shape of a woman
Yoyo Ramona - Then it was a woman
Francisca - What was she doing?
Maria Josefa - Nothing. She was standing there, looking at me in the eye
Cindy - It was a woman honey
Aron - What did you do?
Maria Josefa - I started walking back to the house. I was terrified. And then she disappeared
Yo Yo Ramona - And you went back inside?
Maria Josefa - Yes, I came back in. But I couldn't stop thinking about it
Francisca - Did you recognize her?
Aron - Was it Litty?
Maria Josefa - No, it wasn't Litty
Cindy - Of course not. Litty is in Francisca's pants
Butch Hamlet - Stop it
Ceferina - Nobody you knew?
Maria Josefa - No, nobody I knew
Aron - Was she pretty?
Maria Josefa - Yes, very pretty
Francisca - Did she talk?
Maria Josefa - No, she didn't talk
Yoyo Ramona - Was she...?
Maria Josefa - Let me finish. I couldn't go back to the porch for a couple of days as you can imagine. Last Friday I decided I couldn't give up my porch to a ghost, and I decided to go back there to have my tea
Aron - And she was there?
Maria Josefa - Yes, she came back
All - Oh, my God
All - Let's go to your porch
Maria Josefa - Well, that's why I invited you all here. I don't dare to go alone anymore
Cindy - I am not going there. Thank you for the cookies, but I can't help you with your ghost
All - Let's go
Ceferina - Let's finish the cookies first
Aron - We can bring the cookies to the porch
Yoyo Ramona - I'll bring the cherries too
Maria Josefa - What time is it?
Aron - 9 o'clock
Ceferina - Is this the time that she usually comes?
Maria Josefa - It is around the time I have my tea, yes. If she doesn't come, please do not think that I am crazy
All - Of course not. You don't worry honey. Well, let's go
They walk to the porch and they sit, waiting.
Francisca - This porch is so beautiful
Cindy - What a nice breeze
Ceferina - Who has the cherries?
Yoyo Ramona - I do, here
Maria Josefa - I want to thank you girls for coming. This means a lot to me
Cindy - Well, you invited us for tea. You didn't mention anything about helping you with a ghost
Ceferina - Oh, please. I wouldn't miss this for anything
Maria Josefa - It feels so much better having you here
Ceferina - This is a very crucial experience. We'll feel closer for ever after this
Yo Yo Ramona - For now, we are just sitting in a porch eating cherries
Ceferina - No, honey. We are waiting for a ghost
Yo Yo Ramona - I know, anybody could be waiting for a ghost in any porch. Is that gonna make them feel closer for life?
Ceferina - Gosh she is stubborn
Yo Yo Ramona - I am not stubborn, I am rational
Ceferina - That's not rational, that's boring
Yo Yo Ramona - Rational is always boring
Ceferina - In that case you are very rational, you are right
Cindy - Shut up now. We are waiting for a ghost here
Francisca - Shouldn't we stay quiet, so we don't scare her?
Maria Josefa - I don't know
Yo Yo Ramona - Ghosts do not exist
Aron - What do you know about what exists and doesn't exist?
The ghost appears. She carries a frying pan and makes noise with it. They watch quiet. The ghost mumbles sounds and words they don't understand
All - (soft voice) Oh, my God
Butch Hamlet - No!
They all scream
Butch Hamlet - Oh
Cindy - It's ok honey
Francisca - Are you ok?
Butch Hamlet - Oh my ... Oh, God
Maria Josefa - What hon?
Butch Hamlet - That's my mother
All - Damn. Your mother? Are you sure?
Cindy - I didn't know your mother was dead. I am so sorry
Aron - You had a beautiful mother
Francisca - Can you guys shut up, she is under a shock
Maria Josefa - Honey, I had no idea that it was your mother. I am glad you came
Butch Hamlet - Why is she coming to your house?
Yo Yo Ramona - Close enough
Cindy - Do you have a porch?
Butch Hamlet - No, why?
Cindy - I don't think ghosts can show up in apartments
Aron - I am really sorry
Butch Hamlet - About what?
Aron - I didn't know your mother was dead
Butch Hamlet - It's ok.
(to the ghost) Mom, is that you?
Yo Yo Ramona - Of course it's her. You said so
Butch Hamlet - Mom, why are you coming back? Is there anything you want me to know?
Ghost - Are you ok?
All - Awwww...
Butch Hamlet - Yes, I am ok
Maria Josefa - (some tears) Isn't that sweet?
Butch Hamlet - She came back to see if I am ok?
Maria Josefa - She is your mother honey
Butch Hamlet - Mother, you need me to avenge you? Is there anything you want me to do?
Ceferina - Could you ask her how death feels like?
Butch Hamlet - Are you resting in peace?
We can hardly hear the ghost' voice. They all hug
Aron - I miss you she said
Cindy - That's what she said?
Aron - Yes, I heard
Ceferina - I told you this experience will unite us for ever
Butch Hamlet - I miss you too. (to her friends) I feel like a prince
Maria Josefa - You are a prince honey
Cindy - I feel the goosebumps
Butch Hamlet - Maybe I should do something. Maybe she wants me to avenge her
Cindy - How did she die? Did somebody kill her?
Butch Hamlet - (to the ghost) Did somebody kill you mom?
Ceferina - She seems to be doing ok
Cindy - You don't know. Why did she come back then?
Yoyo Ramona - What?
Butch Hamlet - Do you want me to avenge you?
Ghost makes noise with the empty pan
Cindy - Your mother is so nice
Butch Hamlet - Do I have a British accent?
Francisca - More like Hispanic accent
Butch Hamlet - Like Othello ?
Francisca - Yes, right, like Othello
Ceferina - Well if she doesn't want you to kill anybody this could very well be the end
Yo Yo Ramona - I don't really see her. Do you all see a ghost or you are pretending?
Francisca - You can't see her? You didn't hear anything?
Yo Yo Ramona - No
Ceferina - What's wrong with you?
Yo Yo Ramona - Maybe there's something wrong with you. I don't do drugs
Francisca - We are not on drugs. She is there
Yo Yo Ramona - According to your mind
Cindy - She is calling us crazy
Ceferina - (to Butch Hamlet) Don't you feel like crying?
Butch Hamlet - No, why?
Ceferina - You didn't see your mother in so many years
Yo Yo Ramona - Are you sure she is dead?
Aron - Listen, that is not a person, that is clearly the ghost of a person
They all stare at the ghost that is disappearing slowly
Butch Hamlet - Where did she go?
Maria Josefa - She is gone
They all hug each other
Ceferina - Are we gonna tell people about this?
Francisca - Why not?
Cindy - They'll think we are crazy
Butch Hamlet - To live, to die. To love, to be lonely. To starve, to worry about eating too much. To think, to believe. To work, to be unemployed. To be bored, not to have a minute to be bored because you are always working your ass. To care, not to care.
To be or not to be. Are you? Check one. Yes. No. If no. Check one. Woman? Lesbian? Person of color? Poor? Addict? Homeless?
Ceferina - These cherries are delicious.
Francisca - It's getting hot in here
Maria Josefa - Yes, feel free to take off some clothes
Cindy - Thank you honey
(They take off some clothes, and put on some other clothes)
Cindy - I feel more comfortable now
Ceferina - This is a lovely color
Cindy - I made it myself
All - No way
Ceferina - Really? And the skirt too?
Cindy - I make most of my clothes. You just give me a little bit of fabric and scissors. I have so many ideas
Maria Josefa - You were always very creative
Cindy - Yes, I enjoy it
Maria Josefa - The most creative of us all
Yoyo Ramona - I think each person is creative in a different way
Ceferina- You could make money designing clothes you know?
Cindy - I don't do it for the money
Maria Josefa - You just dress yourself?
Cindy - Yes, and the ones I love
Francisca - You never dressed us
Cindy - I made a great dress for Litty once. Do you remember the dress? It was blue, falling like that to the side with a neckline, a lace collar and a bow. You could see her legs up to here. She had beautiful legs. She loved that dress. You didn't see it?
Maria Josefa - Yes, of course we did.
Others - I don't remember
Maria Josefa - She was wearing it in that party, when they gave her the award
Aron - That was a beautiful party
Francisca - I couldn't go to that party. But I think I remember the dress, she wore it for a party
Cindy - What party ?
Ceferina - And where are all her clothes?
All - I don't know. The family probably has it
TANGO : I DRESS THEREFORE I AM
I am a woman in a lesbian body
I am a man in a woman's body
I am a woman's body in men's clothes
I am a man born with earrings
I am a butch costume with long hair
I am a masculine voice of a feminine soul
I am a menstruating female body with masculine gestures
I have a non-shaved woman's skin
I have dyke's clothes
I transvestite when I put on a dress
I wear my name
I am the name
I get dressed, I perform
I can't perform my desire, I can
I can't dress my desire, I can
I have my desire, I am
I wear gestures
I wear expectations
I wear meanings
I don't wear breasts, I have
I don't wear a phallus I am
I have my sex, I am my gender
I am not naked
I've never been
Cindy - It's so true
Butch Hamlet walks nervously. He is looking at the curtain in front of them
Ceferina - What's with her ?
Cindy - I think she is right.
Francisca - That's the way she feels, leave her alone
Maria Josefa - She is processing
Yoyo Ramona- I think she needs medication
Butch Hamlet - Do you hear?
Cindy - What? What now? Honey, please, we are very stressed out. It's very true what you said. We all agree
Butch Hamlet - Behind that curtain. There's someone in there
Yo Yo Ramona - I don't hear anything. You guys should stop now, you are going crazy
Butch Hamlet - There's someone behind that curtain spying on us
Yoyo Ramona - I told you, she needs medication
Ceferina - I think she is right. There's someone behind the curtain
Yoyo Ramona - You all need medication
Cindy - You should have some respect
Maria Josefa - Please, I don't want this to be happening in my house
Francisca - You invited us here
Maria Josefa - I know. I wonder if this is some kind of message
Yoyo Ramona - There's no message
Cindy - I agree with her. There's no message.
(We hear noise coming from behind the curtain.)
Butch Hamlet - A sword
Aron - (She gives Butch Hamlet a sword) yes, you should go.
Butch Hamlet - They are looking at me from behind the curtains. Why are they spying on me?
Ceferina - It's not only you. They are spying on all of us
Butch Hamlet - No, it's me. I know. My phone is tapped .
To be seen, not to be seen. To be controlled, not to be controlled. To be suspicious, not to be suspicious. To be an honest person. To look like an honest person. To be suspicious. To look suspicious. To be followed. To be paranoid
All - Go!
Cindy - Do you think they are controlling all of us?
Francisca - We should be careful
Maria Josefa - This is so scary. I miss my civil liberties
Felia comes out of the curtain. The women sitting at the porch start yelling at her in Spanish
Cindy - Su mama! Quien la mato?
Yo Yo Ramona - Fue Usted?
Ceferina - Eso! Hijos de puta!
Francisca - La asesinaron
Cindy - Nadie dijo nada. Cobardes. Idiotas
Francisca - Cagones de mierda. Caca en los pantalones
Yo Yo Ramona - Si, si, caca en los pantalones
Cindy - (sad ) Ella estaba tan sola. Pidiendo ayuda
While they are yelling Butch Hamlet approaches slowly the woman. They are looking at each other
Butch Hamlet - What where you doing there?
Ofelia - I was swimming
Butch Hamlet - By yourself?
Ofelia - No, with some friends
Butch Hamlet - Are you a good swimmer?
Ofelia - Yes, I am a great swimmer. What were you guys doing there?
Butch Hamlet - We were looking at the ghost of my mother
Ofelia - Is she there?
Butch Hamlet - No, she left already
Ofelia - What did she want?
Butch Hamlet - Nothing in particular. It looks like she just came for a visit
Felia - You like me right?
Butch Hamlet - I do
Felia - And you would like to go out with me
Butch Hamlet - Yeah
Felia - Are you single?
Butch Hamlet - Yeah. I think so
Felia - And you would like to have a girlfriend
Butch Hamlet - Kind of, yes
Felia - So you have a crush on me
Butch Hamlet - You are very pretty
Felia - No, I am not. I am not really pretty
Butch Hamlet - Yes, you are
Felia - It doesn't matter, I don't care. You have a crush on me anyway
Butch Hamlet - Right
Felia - And you would like to go out with me
Butch Hamlet - Yes, I would love to
Ofelia - Well. I am not the marrying type you know. And I am too young to marry anyway
Butch Hamlet - We don't have to marry.
Felia - But you will still ask me to marry you.
Butch Hamlet - Yes
Felia - You'll say you'll love me forever and you'll want me to promise you that I will love you for ever
Butch Hamlet - Uh-huh
Felia - Forever and ever
Butch Hamlet - Uh-huh
Ofelia - Why?
Butch Hamlet - I am romantic
Ofelia - You could talk about depth of feelings instead of duration
Butch Hamlet - Sure
Felia - Good
Butch Hamlet - I never loved this way before. I loved in ten thousand other ways. You are not the first one obviously, but you could be the one for ever
Ofelia - No, there's no for ever. Can't you talk about depth?
Butch Hamlet - Yes, I love you deeply
Ofelia - That's good
Butch Hamlet - It's not enough
Ofelia - yes, it is
Butch Hamlet - I want you. I desire you. You are hot. You are beautiful. You are the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen
Ofelia - You can't help it
Butch Hamlet - No, I can't. Don't you want to feel unique, somehow? My only one?
Ofelia - Yes, I am. I know I am. You have a big crush on me. I can tell. I care about now only
Butch Hamlet - About now? Are you monogamous?
Ofelia - yeah
Felia - Only now?
Felia - I am monogamous
Butch Hamlet - And how long does it last?
Felia - What do you mean?
Butch Hamlet - You care about now only. It's not very reassuring
Felia - I can't reassure you, sorry
Butch Hamlet - That's what love is there for
Felia - No, it's not
Butch Hamlet - Well, relationships
Felia - You have relationships to be reassured?
Butch Hamlet - No, I didn't say that
Felia - Yes, you did
Butch Hamlet - Some people do, that's what I meant
Felia - Do you like yourself?
Butch Hamlet - Oh, yeah
Felia - Are you sure?
Butch Hamlet - It goes back and forth. Sometimes I feel I am superman, and sometimes I am just the last of all
Felia - You are superman
Butch Hamlet - I love you. Do you want to meet my friends?
Ofelia - Yes, sure
Her friends - (waving) Hi.
Butch Hamlet - Hi, this is Felia
Her friends - Yes, we know. Nice meeting you
Ofelia - I have some cherries
Ceferina - We have cherries, thank you
Maria Josefa - It's ok, we can eat some of her cherries too. Here hon, this is my porch
Ofelia - It's very beautiful
(They start eating Felia's cherries)
Francisca - What were you doing behind the curtain?
Felia - Nothing much
Yoyo Ramona - You always eat cherries?
Felia - Sometimes
Aron - Are you dating?
Felia and Butch Hamlet - No, not really, not yet
Yoyo Ramona - But you like each other
Felia and Butch Hamlet - Yes, we like each other.
Butch Hamlet - (to Felia) I don't know. We discussed only how much I liked you. We didn't get to the part of you liking me
Felia - Yes, I like you
Ceferina - (to Butch Hamlet ) She is too young for you
Aron - It's ok. That's not a problem
Yoyo Ramona - It could be. Sometimes age becomes a problem
Francisca - You can work it out
Ceferina - I feel dizzy
Maria Josefa - I feel nauseous
Francisca - Yes, what is going on?
Yoyo Ramona - Are we all feeling sick?
Cindy - I have something in my stomach, like pain, cramps
Maria Josefa - I can't feel my hands
Yoyo Ramona - My head is killing me
Ceferina - This is very strange
Cindy - Something it's really wrong with these cherries
Ofelia - What do you mean, my cherries?
Maria Josefa - Don't worry honey, don't take it personally, but where did you get them?
Felia - I picked them myself
Ceferina - From where?
Felia - From a tree, duh
Francisca - Well, maybe is not the cherries
Cindy - And what else could it be ?
Francisca - Maybe we are stressed out
Cindy - This is not stress, I know when I am stressed out
Ceferina - It could be food poisoning
Yoyo Ramona - Were we poisoned ?
Felia - Are you saying that I poisoned you ?
Cindy - We didn't mention any poison. Why are you talking about poison?
Felia - (To Butch Hamlet) She said food poisoning
Butch Hamlet - Yes
Cindy - Food poisoning has nothing to do with poison. It means that you ate something bad, not necessarily that you ate poison
Felia - She mentioned poison
Butch Hamlet - Yes
Ceferina - You don't worry honey. We are all a little nervous here, we just saw a ghost
Cindy - I don't know about you, but I am feeling really sick
Yoyo Ramona - I am dizzy
Ceferina - It's the stress. (to Ofelia) It was a very intense experience you know?
Ofelia - I understand, but my cherries are perfectly fine, I was eating them myself
Ceferina - Of course they were fine honey
Butch Hamlet - (While her friends are throwing up) What is wrong with you ? At last I am happy. Can't you be more supportive? I love this woman like I never loved before. I never loved this way. I never loved before this way. This is not the way I usually love. I am loving, but loving, but in loving. My love is growing and growing
Ofelia (to Butch Hamlet) - It's ok, it's ok
Butch Hamlet - No, it's not ok. These are my friends. I wanted you to meet my friends and they accuse you of poisoning them
Maria Josefa - We are not accusing anybody
Ceferina - You didn't eat the cherries
Butch Hamlet - Are you insinuating that
Francisca - We are feeling sick. That's all
Cindy - Very sick, all at once
Ceferina - It has nothing to do with being supportive of your relationship. All I said was that she might be too young for you, but I was supportive, then I started feeling sick
Felia - You are jealous
Butch Hamlet - Yes, why are you doing this?
Ceferina - You are the one doing this
Others - Exactly, you wrote the script
Cindy- You wanted some kind of crescendo or conflict, that's why you brought the cherries?
Maria Josefa - Oh, my Goddess, you did this to us?
Butch Hamlet - No, I didn't want any crescendo or conflict. I don't need that. You guys are getting hysterical
Felia - Stop fighting, It's all my fault. You were all good friends before I came in
Francisca - You call yourself a feminist, and you put all these women fighting?
Felia - They were not fighting before I came. So maybe I should exit
Ceferina - She did this for a conflict, I know her
Cindy - You poisoned us for conflict?
Yoyo Ramona - Are you using us to get some respect ?
Maria Josefa - Oh, my God, She is trying to get a job teaching!
Butch Hamlet - I don't, stop guys!
Francisca - Guys? We are women.
Butch Hamlet - Stop women
Maria Josefa - And you wanted us to be supportive of your relationship? This little lady came here to poison us
Felia - I didn't
Maria Josefa - Just for some little orgasm. You know where conflict comes from? From men's orgasm.
Yoyo Ramona - From men's orgasm?
Aron - What?
Maria Josefa - The whole crescendo towards the conflict , The tension, and more tension, and then the denouement, and then you relax. That comes from men's orgasm. You guys don't read anything?
Aron - I read
Yoyo Ramona - Me too. I read. But I didn't know that. (to Butch Hamlet) You have orgasms like that?
Maria Josefa - No, women have many orgasms, it's different
Francisca - I have one, a strong one
Butch Hamlet - Yeah, I have one too
Cindy - So all this is about our orgasms? So, if there's no conflict it means you don't have orgasms?
Ceferina - So we had an orgasm?
Maria Josefa - In a way, yes
Butch Hamlet - Can we smoke a cigarette?
Aron - No, you can't smoke in here
Ceferina - Well, we can't have sex either and we did
Maria Josefa - No, we didn't. We had an orgasm, but we didn't have sex
Yoyo Ramona - Were we masturbating?
Maria Josefa - No, we were having an orgasm. You guys are so literal
Francisca- Her orgasm
Cindy - Oh, now we can relax. We had an orgasm. You had your crescendo. You can smoke your cigarette
Ceferina - Oh, my Goddess, she is going to kill us now. We all gonna die!
Butch Hamlet - Oh stop, you are going crazy
Maria Josefa - Oh my god, you are right, this is a tragedy. We are going to die
Yoyo Ramona - Are you trying to get funding?
Butch Hamlet - No, nobody is going to die
Cindy - We all gonna die. I know about this. She is lying. This is part of the plot
Yoyo Ramona - Are we starting another orgasm?
Francisca - So you are a feminist after all
Butch Hamlet - Because of the second orgasm?
Aron - I came already. I am done.
Yoyo Ramona - Where can we smoke a cigarette?
Maria Josefa - Nobody goes anywhere. We all gonna come together
Ceferina - And we can't even kiss. (to Butch Hamlet ) Brilliant idea, all butches, we can't kiss now, where did you get that ?
Cindy - Excuse me, I am a femme
Maria Josefa - I don't know how are we going to release all this tension
Ceferina - I feel more relaxed already
Cindy - Me too. I always believed in orgasms, I mean conflict, or both
Yoyo Ramona - Now I feel closer to you guys
Maria Josefa - Oh, yes, yes
They will walk to the table where big pieces of bone will be served. They will start eating ribs .
The Bones Monologue
Butch Hamlet - Who was carrying these bones, as a natural interior support of the flesh?
Ceferina - A cow, and we ate it
Butch Hamlet - We ate the flesh, we spat the bones. We are licking the bones of the cow they stole from us. Once she was playing with me in the lands
Maria Josefa - You play with cows?
Butch Hamlet - Once she was my friend, she made me laugh
Ceferina - We didn't kill the cow ok?
Butch Hamlet - Yes, we did. We do
Cindy - We all gonna die
Butch Hamlet - True. So we might as well kill one another. Let's all kill each other.
Let me eat you Felia until you die. What are we going to do with all the bones and all the blood?
Yoyo Ramona - It's too late to do anything. Keep eating and don't worry anymore
Butch Hamlet - I am not worried. I don't worry. I want fried chicken. Who can kill a chicken for me? So many bones. You kill it. You can do the frying
Aron - What frying?
Yoyo Ramona - The hot oil thing
Aron - That frying? Ok
Butch Hamlet - Would it be horrifying to have a skull on our plate?
Others - Yes, it would.
Maria josefa - I wouldn't be able to eat with a skull on my plate
Butch Hamlet - No, it wouldn't. We would get used to it. We eat with skulls on our plate every day
Cindy - Talk for yourself. I don't have any skull in my plate
Maria Josefa - Neither do I
Yoyo Ramona - I wonder what is she trying to say
Ceferina - I think this is the effect of her seeing the ghost of her mother. (to Butch Hamlet) You mother is fine. You should stop worrying about these things now
Aron - She works too much. She is tired
Cindy - Maybe it's the cherries
Felia - I knew you were going to blame me
Cindy - I didn't say your cherries, I said the cherries
Felia - Is she a vegetarian?
Butch Hamlet - Do you think I am paranoid ?
Others - No, we don't think you are paranoid
Felia - Vegetarian I said
Maria Josefa - Listen, we are good people here. I think you are insulting us
Butch Hamlet - Insults. You want to hear insults ? They are only for women. Blame the language
Cindy - It's true, blame the language
Ceferina - No, that's not true. There are insults for men too
Maria Josefa - Right. What about bastard ?
Yoyo Ramona - You are insulting the mother there
Aron - Pig
Francisca - Motherfucker
Ceferina - Leave the mother there
Francisca - Fucker
Ceferina - Right. (to Butch Hamlet ) You see ? (to the others) We don't have anymore?
Maria Josefa - I think that's it
Butch Hamlet -
I am a frigid bitch
My mother is a bald nymphomaniac
My grand mother is a hypochondriac whore
My great grandmother was an ugly dog
My great great grand mother was a dizzy dame
My sister is a flat chested witch
My aunt is a dowdy matron
My great aunt was a whiny bimbo
My mother-in- law was a cunt
My niece is a stinking vamp
My grand niece is an illiterate slut
My Mother Superior was a snobby, pretentious petit bourgeois
My step mother was a ball buster
My nurse is a hysterical wench
My butcher's wife is a tacky whale
My gypsy fortune teller is a dumb broad
My wet nurse was a fag-hag
My girlfriends are all low-class common fat-assed cows
My girl-scout leader was a sex-starved widow
My half sister is a vicious spinster
My manicurist is an old hag
My typist is a loony hussy
My Avon lady is a temptress
My god mother is a tramp
My seamstress is a bull-dyke
My landlady is an aggressive crone
My grandmother's maid is a home wrecker
My neighbor's washer woman is a bleeding-heart liberal
My midwife was an untalented chorus girl
My girlfriend is a whore
My queen is a conniving shrew
Rony appears yelling form the back
Rony - Hello, anybody home?
Maria Josefa - Who's that? What are you doing in my house?
Rony - You have to evacuate this place
All - What? Why?
Rony - Clear the way, open some room, there's a funeral passing by
All - A funeral?!
Rony - Yes, please, clear the way
A funeral passes by. A rolling coffin with a dead woman on it. At this point audience, performers and funeral are all mixed up. The rolling coffin crosses the theater, to the sides performers and audience look at the funeral quietly.
Felia - Oh, my God, that's me!
Cindy - What do you mean you?
Felia - It's me. I am dead, I died. That's my funeral
Butch Hamlet - You are not dead, I love you
Felia - That's why you love me, I don't exist
Butch Hamlet - You do exist
Felia - Yes, but I am not real
Cindy - Oh, my God. You are a ghost too?
Ceferina - She is like your mother, that's why you fell in love with her
Butch Hamlet - Were you dead all this time?
Cindy - It doesn't matter. You love her, that's the important thing, and she exists here inside your heart. She makes you happy
Ceferina - It never occur to me to check funerals, maybe I'll see mine
Yoyo Ramona - No, you won't, you are alive
Francisca - Yes, for once I have to agree with her
Maria Josefa - That's why the cherries made us sick. They were decomposing
Aron - Everything makes sense now
Yoyo Ramona - What makes sense? Nothing makes sense to me
Dead Felia wakes up and joins the group
Yoyo Ramona - (to the weird creatures carrying the coffin) Are you people also dead?
Maria Josefa - Please don't be rude.
Cindy - Exactly. We don't care. You are welcome here. Nobody will ask you if you are dead or alive, coming back from death, going there
Yoyo Ramona - We are cool with ghosts here
Cindy - Exactly, my very good friend Litty rests in peace in this lady's pants for example
Aron - And a little bit on the shirt
Francisca - Just her ashes
Maria Josefa - Her mother comes for frequent visits to my porch
Butch Hamlet - I was dating a dead person
Ceferina - You're still dating her
Butch Hamlet - I don't know
Felia - Are you breaking up with me?
Butch Hamlet - No, I don't know
Felia - You said you loved me for eternity. This is eternity
Butch Hamlet - I didn't say eternity. I said for ever
All - This is ever
Cindy - The poor girl, she is breaking her heart now
Maria Josefa - Where are your feelings? She just saw her own funeral
Francisca - How can you do this to her?
Yoyo Ramona - She is very pretty
Aron - And she is very nice
Butch Hamlet - Oh, now you like her?
All - Of course, she is dead
Ceferina - But we should stay away from her cherries
Felia - Yes, I am sorry
Butch Hamlet - Will we be able to have sex?
Cindy - Don't be rude
Maria Josefa - You'll have orgasms
Yoyo Ramona - No more orgasms!
Dead Felia - I should keep going
Ceferina - You don't have to go
Dead Felia - This is a funeral
Butch Hamlet - She is right. You guys keep talking about orgasms, this is a funeral
Maria Josefa - Funeral or no funeral, this is my house, and everybody should be comfortable. You might be dead but you are dating my friend, you should stay with us
Felia - You thought I was poisoning you!
Cindy - We didn't know you were dead honey
Butch Hamlet - I don't know if I want to date a dead person
Maria Josefa - Well, too late to think about that
Ceferina - Listen, you were happy. Don't let something so small change your feelings
Butch Hamlet - It's not so small
Deaf Felia - Yes, it is small. Believe me. I am dead, I can tell you that, it's not a big deal
Butch Hamlet - What if I meet somebody alive?
All - No way. Nothing will compare to her. You'll love her more. She is perfect
Butch Hamlet - Yes, she is perfect
Maria Josefa - I thought myself I couldn't deal with a ghost, and here I am, with all these ghosts and dead people, and ashes, and my neighbors. (to the audience) Hi, I thought I didn't like my neighbors. Everybody should sit down on this side now, we have a show for you
They will move all the chairs to one side of the theater and leave some space for a performance.
Butch Hamlet - Please sit comfortably, we have a show for you, about a prince and her mother and her love
Butch Hamlet is facing the audience the rest of the performers will talk from the audience
Ceferina - And her friends
Butch Hamlet - And her friends
Felia - And her girlfriend
Butch Hamlet - And her girlfriend
Maria Josefa - I was the first one to see the ghost
Butch Hamlet - Maria Josefa was the first one to see the ghost
Maria Josefa - And I invited everybody to my house, which was the beginning of the whole story
Butch Hamlet - Right, we are all here because she invited us
Yoyo Ramona - And we had multiple orgasms
Cindy - Don't be rude
Francisca - I had one
Butch Hamlet - We had some orgasms
Francisca - I brought Litty
Cindy - You didn't bring her, she is in your house, you said
Butch Hamlet - Now we know where Litty is
Cindy - No, we don't know anything, that's only what she says
Butch Hamlet - Ok, the performers are waiting. Please, enjoy the show...
The clowns come. The show starts
Clown 1 - The Queen is dead
Clown 2 - The King is dead
Clown 1 - The prince is dead
Clown 2 - The ex-King is dead too.
Clown 1 - Been dead for a while that one
Clown 2 - The ghost of the king is dead. The Princess to be is dead
Clown 1 - The father of the princess to be is dead
Clown 2 - The guy who wanted to kill the prince is dead
Clown 1 - They are all dead
Clown 2 - The whole royalty is dead. God we are sad
Clown 1 - We have no king
Clown 2 - No queen, no prince, no princess, no fathers of princesses. They are all fucking dead
Clown 1 - They killed each other
Clown 2 - They killed themselves
Clown 1 - The king killed the queen
Clown 2 - The prince killed the king
Clown 1 - The king killed the prince with the sword of the guy who wanted to kill the prince
Clown 2 - But then the guy who wanted to kill the prince told the prince to kill the king
Clown 1 - That's why the prince killed the king
Clown 2 - The second king, the one who killed before the first king
Clown 1- Throwing poison in his ear he killed the king
Clown 2 - With poison in the sword he killed the prince
Clown 1 - With poison in the drink he killed the queen
Clown 2 - He didn't want to kill the queen. He wanted to kill the prince. But then the queen drank the drink and she got the poison
Clown 1 - It was for the prince that drink
Clown 2 - And the prince killed the brother of the princess to be
Clown 1 - The princess to be killed herself
Clown 2 - Because the prince killed her father
Clown 1 - It was an accident. He was spying behind the curtain
Clown 2 - It was an accident, she was just swimming
Clown 1 - She was not doing ok
Clown 2 - The prince told her, go to a convent
Clown 1 - He did
Clown 2 - That's how they all died
Clown 1 - We didn't do anything
Clown 2 - Everything started when the ghost of the king told the prince that his brother, who became king after his death had killed him
Clown 1 - He wanted the prince to revenge him
Clown 2 - And so he did
Clown 1 - And everybody died
Clown 2 - We are mourning
Clown 1 - The prince found a skull then
Clown 2 - At the cemetery
Clown 1- And he talks about death and life
Clown 2 - Words we'll never forget
Clown 1 - Never
Clown 2 - That skull had a tongue in it, and could sing once. ... This might be the pate of a politician, which this ass now o'erraches; one that would circumvent God, might it not?
Clown 1 - It might my lord
Clown 2 - Or of a courtier
Clown 1 - It might my lord
Clown 2 - Here there's another one. Why may not that be the skull of a lawyer?
Clown 1 - The queen is dead!! The Queen is dead!!!
Clown 2 - Oh my God! Are you sure? Is she dead? Really dead ?
Clown 1 - Yes, really dead. She just died!
Clown 2 - Oh, my God. Oh, My God. I can hardly believe it! What are we gonna do?
Clown 1- What are we gonna do?
Clown 2 - What are we gonna do?
Clown 1 - Oh, What?? What are we gonna do?? I don't know, we are lost!
Clown 2 - We are lost
Clown 1 - We are lost. We have no queen!
Clown 2 - We still have the palace
Clown 1 - Yes, we have the palace
Clown 2 - Great, we have the palace
Clown 1 - What good is a palace without a queen ?
Clown 2 - And without a king ?
Clown 1 - And without a prince ?
Clown 2 - Who wants a palace without a king, and a queen and a prince?
Clown 1 - Nobody
Clown 2 - Nobody
Clown 1 - I want the palace
Clown 2 - I want the palace. Let's take the palace
Clown 1 - Yes, the queen is dead. God bless the queen
Clown 2 - God, bless the queen
Clown 1 - The palace. Let's go to the palace
Clown 2 - Yes, let's go
Clown 1 & Clown 2 - Noooooo
Clown 1 - We shouldn't take over the palace
Clown 2 - We shouldn't take the palace
Clown 1 - The palace is for the King
Clown 2 - And for the queen
Clown 1 - And for the prince
Clown 2 - And the princess
Clown 1 - We should wait
Clown 2 - Yes, we should wait
Clown 1 - God is gonna send another King
Clown 2 - And another queen
Clown 1 - God always sends those things
Clown 2 - Yes, God bless God
Clown 1 - King bless God
Clown 2 - Yes, let them bless each other
Clown 1 - We'll wait
Clown 2 - We'll wait
Clown 1 - We are waiting. They are all dead
Clown 2 - We should mourn
Clown 1 - Let's party
Clown 2 - Let's mourn
Clown 1 - party
Clown 2 - Party
Clown 1 - Yes, party
Copyright 2002 Susana Cook