THE IDIOT KING
by Susana Cook. 2006
The Master of Counterinsurgency
The Secretary of War
The Head of Intelligence
The Secretary of Charity, Compassion and Pity
The Parade of the King
Loud Music. The King appears in heelys parading with his court.
During the parade the King suffers an attack of paranoia. He starts having hallucinations, losing control and fighting against invisible ghosts.
King - Look at all this blood, it’s disgusting. Get all these bloody people out of my way. I can’t roller blade on top of dead bodies.
Courtiers - There’s no dead bodies Majesty.
King – Out! Out of my way!
Courtiers – Look at all the people who came to cheer you
King - Get them out! (Talkng to a chair) I didn’t kill you, leave me alone
Courtiers- There’s nobody in that chair majesty
King – You were supposed to be dead, why aren’t you dead?
Courtiers - Who are you talking to?
King - Stop looking at me! Go home
Courtiers- Relax Majesty, you are just very tired
King –Bloody terrorists, leave me alone!
His Court tries to make him feel better. They carry him to lie down. He will faint.
Courtiers – Call the nurse!
King – Make them shut up!
Courtiers - The nurse! The nurse!
The Nurse enters. The rest of the court will exit slowly, very concerned about the mental health of the King. Music stops. The King is lying on a coach. The Nurse is trying to feed him with a spoon. The food keeps falling out of his mouth.
Nurse – You have to swallow!
King – How?
Nurse – You have to send the food down your throat
King – I can’t
Nurse – Use the impulse
(He moves trying to create impulse)
Nurse – No, not like that, with your tongue.
(He sticks his tongue out)
Nurse – To the back!
King – What back?
Nurse – That little hole you have in the back of your mouth
King – (laughing) That’s my ass!
Nurse – No, that’s your throat, that hole sends the food to your esophagus, and then to your stomach
King – Why are you so biological today?
Nurse – I am not so biological, if you don’t swallow you can’t start the digestion process
King – And how am I supposed to know that?
Nurse – Everybody knows that. You can’t keep the food in your mouth like that, send it to your throat
King – Stop with that word, I am not a biologist!
Nurse – Forget it, we’ll try again later. Let me give you the supplement
Get it out
He takes his dick out she starts injecting it with supplements. The King screams. Then she starts rubbing it with lotion.
Nurse – Does it feel good?
King – Yes. This is not Viagra, is it? Because I don’t need no Viagra
Nurse – Of course you don’t. We all know that. Nobody would ever think that you need Viagra. Nobody, not one person would think that. We all know you are very virile and powerful
King – And it’s big
Nurse – Very big, huge, courageous, honorable, patriotic and holy
The Tutor enters
Tutor - Excuse me
Nurse - Hi Tutor. We were admiring his powerful and patriotic thing
Tutor - It’s beautiful
Nurse - I’ll leave you alone with your lesson. He has been very good, he was practicing those words you taught him, and the vowels, and he did his math homework.
Tutor - Could you find the map I brought for him?
Nurse - No, I couldn’t find it anywhere
Tutor - What a pity, that was a very expensive globe, it’s going to take me sometime to find another one like that, and he really needs to practice geography.
Nurse - It’s ok, he made his own map (She shows him a map) You see?
Tutor - This is beautiful, very creative.
King – Tutor!
Tutor - Your majesty
King - What is that thing about the apples that you were telling me yesterday?
Tutor - Sure your majesty. What I was saying is that if I have 2 apples and I give Peter one apple, I will have one apple
King - Exactly, that’s what I thought. And why would you give Peter one of your apples?
Tutor - Maybe because he is hungry, or he was asking me for one. The important thing is to count the apples. It’s just an example to help you count
King - No, it’s not just an example I think you are a communist Tutor. Who’s that Peter anyway and what’s this whole apple business about? I would like to find out what’s your relationship to Peter and these apples.
Tutor - Sir, we can use oranges to count if you want and different names
King – Yes, that would be better
Tutor - Alright. So you have 5 oranges, you give Mary 2 oranges. How many oranges will you have left?
King – That’s sexist socialism, Mary can get her own oranges
The Master of Counterinsurgency, the The Master of Counterinsurgency enters
The Master of Counterinsurgency – Your Majesty.
The King passes gas.
King – I love farting
The Master of Counterinsurgency – Great
King – I like the smell
The Master of Counterinsurgency – Great
King – Do you think people like the smell of my farts?
The Master of Counterinsurgency – They certainly do
King – I want mics on my ass. I want them to hear
The Master of Counterinsurgency - We can certainly arrange that majesty
King – Now
The Master of Counterinsurgency – Sure
The Master of Counterinsurgency brings a mic. He places it on the ass of the King. We can hear a loud fart. The farts turn into bombs.
The Master of Counterinsurgency – Beautiful
Nurse – Glorious
Tutor – Majestic
The Master of Counterinsurgency - Your majesty, we need to discuss some important issues, we are planning a meeting for this afternoon
King – What for?
The Master of Counterinsurgency – Well, we have to solve some problems related to foreign policy
King – I want them to hear my farts too
The Master of Counterinsurgency - They do majesty, they do hear, you shouldn’t worry about it
King – But they can’t smell
The Master of Counterinsurgency - Oh, yes, they can. I can assure you they can
King – (To Nurse and Tutor) Do you think they can smell my farts?
Nurse – I am pretty sure they can.
Tutor – Yes, the smell is very intense
The Master of Counterinsurgency - What I really wanted to discuss is the war sir
King – I like it
The Master of Counterinsurgency – Right, of course, we all do. What’s not to like about it?
King - So what’s your problem?
The Master of Counterinsurgency - No, I don’t have any problem sir
King - I am not sir
The Master of Counterinsurgency - Sorry majesty. What I wanted to discuss with you is that there’s some people who seem very upset
King - Kill them
The Master of Counterinsurgency - We are, we are trying our best, but they seem to reproduce like bunnies, they are coming from everywhere
King - What? Are you afraid of them sissy?
The Master of Counterinsurgency - No, your majesty, of course not
King - Do you think I am afraid of them sissy? ( he smiles, chuckles)
The Master of Counterinsurgency - No, of course not
King - They are all gays
The Master of Counterinsurgency - Of course
King – They are communists
The Master of Counterinsurgency – Terrorists majesty, terrorists
King – People love me
The Master of Counterinsurgency - They do
Nurse – They adore you
Tutor – Of course, indeed
King - I want to fart
The Master of Counterinsurgency - Let me bring the mic
Big fart. The Nurse, The Master of Counterinsurgency and Tutor clap. We hear the voice of God
King - God is calling me
The Master of Counterinsurgency – Would you like for us to step out?
King – Of course
The Master of Counterinsurgency, Nurse and Tutor exit to the side
King - Hi God. Yes, I called you. I wanted to talk to you about the pearly gates, the walls of alabaster and the floors made of gold. Suddenly I realized that it might look pretty gay in heaven. Yes, of course is up to you the decoration. Yes, I want to go to heaven. I just had the disturbing thought of Saint Peter with a pearly key holder. I can’t stop thinking about the pearly pearly gates…
The Nurse enters abruptly, interrupting him. The Master of Counterinsurgency and Tutor follow.
The Nurse - (Very loud) I have feelings too you know?
King - What?
Nurse - What are you doing in there? Are you masturbating?
King - I have a wife lady
The Master of Counterinsurgency - He was talking to God, please calm down. (To King) So, what did he say?
Nurse - God?
The Master of Counterinsurgency - Of course, who else?
Nurse - Are you awaiting orders from God?
The Master of Counterinsurgency - I don’t think you can understand this
Nurse – Listen, I know about him better than you. I clean his shit
The Master of Counterinsurgency - Exactly, that’s what I mean
Nurse - I know him very intimately
Tutor - She means closely
The Master of Counterinsurgency – ( To Tutor) What is your job?
Tutor - I write when he asks me to, and I am teaching him how to write…
The Master of Counterinsurgency - He can’t write?
Nurse - You see? You didn’t even know that. No, he can’t write and he can’t talk, he tells him what he has to say
Tutor - Exactly, he has to memorize what I write for him
The Master of Counterinsurgency - Oh, I see. I thought it was God
Tutor - Yes, God talks to him too, but it’s very difficult for him to memorize God’s words, because God doesn’t like to repeat too many times, but I do.
The Master of Counterinsurgency - We could probably record God’s voice so we can make a tape for him to listen to
Tutor - That’s a very good idea
The Master of Counterinsurgency - People love to hear God’s voice through him
Tutor - It’s going to be fabulous
The Master of Counterinsurgency - Very intense
Nurse - He is not ready to speak in public. He can’t control his sphincters
The Master of Counterinsurgency – It’s ok, we can bring diapers
Nurse - I am the only one who can change his diapers
The Master of Counterinsurgency - Of course, we’ll bring you there
Tutor – It will be great, people will love him
The Master of Counterinsurgency - Yes, but I am not sure about the farts though
Nurse - He loves farting
The Master of Counterinsurgency - Oh, I know. But I don’t know how people will take that
Tutor - I don’t think people will get offended
The Master of Counterinsurgency – Well, he wants a mic amplifying them
Nurse - Yes, he loves that
Tutor - Well, it’s certainly very patriotic
The Master of Counterinsurgency - No doubt about that
Nurse - He also likes to puke
The Master of Counterinsurgency - I thought that was his father, the ex King
Tutor - No , no , he likes it too
The Master of Counterinsurgency - His father was so great at that
Tutor - Yes, he could aim and reach a long distance
Nurse - He is not bad either. There’s something very glorious about his puke too
Tutor - Pity people won’t be able to smell
The Master of Counterinsurgency - Oh, they will. I can assure you, they are smelling already
The Master of Counterinsurgency - All over the world
The Master of Counterinsurgency - You know, some people are not very happy about it, they are very dangerous people
Tutor - What are you going to do about it?
The Master of Counterinsurgency - We’ll kill them
Tutor - Good for you
The Master of Counterinsurgency - Well that was not my idea of course, it was the King’s genius
They look at the King, he is lost looking at the wall
Tutor - What is he doing now?
The Master of Counterinsurgency - He is thinking
Tutor - Right, of course
The Master of Counterinsurgency - He is probably planning the next war
Tutor - Oh, we shouldn’t interrupt him then
Loud Music. The Queen enters with the gang
The Tutor, The Master of Counterinsurgency - The Queen is coming!
King – The Queen!
The Queen arrives, sits and smiles.
The Master of Counterinsurgency – Glamorous lady
Tutor – Most refined, beautiful madam, your majesty
Queen – Thanks
King – Queen!!
Queen - Darling! What are you doing?
King – Nothing
Queen - Great !
King - What did you bring honey? What’s that?
Queen – A Gang
King - And why in the world did you bring a gang to the palace?
Queen – I want to show them how honest people live. They are going to spend some time with us. It’s part of their rehabilitation
King – Honey, those people are dangerous
Queen – I know, I know everything about gangs. That’s why I wanted them to see how we live, without killing. (To the gang) Don’t worry Gang, he’ll understand. Now we are going to pray. (To King) Let’s pray honey so we show The Gang the way to God. (She prays) Thou shall not kill
King – Where in the world did you get that?
Queen – It’s in the bible
King – No, it’s not. You don’t understand the bible. That means You People (Pointing at The Gang) Thou shall not kill, got it Gang? Thou… (He feels intimidated by the Gang)
(To the Queen) Honey, come here for a second
Queen – Sure sweetie
King – I love you
Queen - I love you too honey
King - And our beautiful twins
Queen - Me too, I adore them. Aren’t they cute?
King - Yes, they are. We are a beautiful family
Queen - Yes, I love your mother
King - I love her too, she is beautiful
Queen - Yes, very beautiful lady indeed. I wish I was like her
King - You’ll never be
Queen - Well, you are not exactly like your father either
King - I am better
Queen - What is that you wanted to tell me?
King - We’ll have to kill that gang
Queen – Why?
King – They are dangerous. Did you see the way they were looking at me?
Queen – No
King- It doesn’t matter, I did, that’s enough. Take them to the back and get them killed, I have an important meeting. (To The Gang) Sorry Gang, you have to go now, I have an important meeting with very important people.
Quintus, please call the Minister of Defense, the Secretary of War, the Head of Intelligence, the Chief Justice, The Secretary of Charity, Compassion and Pity and the Chief Cardinal.
Quintus – They are all here sir, they are waiting for you. I’ll go get them
The Secretary of War, The Head of Intelligence and the Secretary of Charity, Compassion and Pity enter. They hold hands introducing themselves and each other. They will sit in chairs facing the audience.
The Master of Counterinsurgency - Gentleman, we have very important matters to discuss. The first topic in our agenda is: Satan
Queen - That’s the mean guy
The Master of Counterinsurgency - Number 2: Adam and Eve.
Queen – My favorite couple
The Master of Counterinsurgency – Number 3 - Evil. Does evil come from Eve?
All - mmmmm
The Master of Counterinsurgency - We’ll also talk about family and abstinence.
All – Abstinence
Queen - That’s a keeper
The Master of Counterinsurgency - Then we’ll design a map to infinite justice through the war of peace
All – Abstinence
The Queen – Every family needs one of those
Secretary of War - It’s important to remember that Adam was a man
They All clap
Queen- And that Eve was a woman
King – It is also important to remember that Jesus was not gay
All – Of course!
King – He got married and had two beautiful twins. He built a very happy family
The Master of Counterinsurgency - Are you sure majesty? I mean I didn’t read the bible lately but.
Secretary of Charity,compassion and Pity - I don’t remember anything like that.
Secretary of War - I think I read something about twins, yes.
Head of Intelligence - No, no, I don’t think so.
Quintus - Are you sure majesty?
King – Absolutely, I had to make a little amendment in the bible
They All Clap
King – Thank you. People read nasty things everywhere. We need to protect Jesus and the American Family
All – Yes! The American family. Let’s protect the American family!
They All get up, scream and hug
The Master of Counterinsurgency – Majesty, I have a request, can you change the part that says that rich people will not enter Heaven?
All - Yes, yes, please amend that
Quintus- Could you change the camel for a flea?
Secretary of War- We can always manufacture bigger needles
All – Brilliant!
King – No, we can’t change that. That’s good stuff
How do you think you keep millions of poor people quiet?
All – How?
King - You tell them that they will go to heaven
All – oh
Secretary of Charity, Compassion and Pity – But how can we arrange that?
King – Very easily, they have to die first
All - Fantastic
King - We get it here, they get it there
They all admire the idea
The Master of Counterinsurgency – ok, we have to talk about Joseph now
Secretary of War – We didn’t talk about Leviticus yet
Secretary of Charity, Compassion and Pity – I think the war spending comes first
The Master of Counterinsurgency – Ok, We spent 3 trillion dollars in the war. We are running out of money
King – Alright, we’ll cut taxes to the billionaires then
All – Brilliant idea
The Master of Counterinsurgency – So where are we going to get the money from?
King – From the rest of the people. Cut water. They don’t need water
The Secretary of War- But you know, your majesty, if I may. The rich are actually the ones who like the war
Quintus – Exactly, we need it , I mean they need it
King – Yes, but they don’t have to go to war. Why should they pay for it? People think that we have to pay for everything. The ones who go to war should pay for it, for their guns, their food, their bombs, they will be the ones throwing them, aren’t they? People think we have to pay for everything. They get those ideas from socialism, communism or something.
All – Yes, you are right. It makes sense
The Head of Intelligence - But, what are we going to say to the people?
King - We’ll tell them that if we cut taxes from the billionaires it creates jobs
They all laugh and clap
Secretary of War - I have a proposal sir
King – Majesty
Secretary of War- Sorry, Majesty. I have a proposal regarding trophies as a valiant remembrance of our accomplishments
Queen – Beautiful
Secretary of War - I am a hunter majesty
Secretary of Charity, Compassion and Pity – Macho
Head of Intelligence - Admirable.
Quintus - Praise worthy
Secretary of War - Thank you. You know how glorious it is to cut the head of the animal you kill and to hang it in your living room
Secretary of Charity, Compassion and Pity - Beautiful
Head of Intelligence - glorious,
The Master of Counterinsurgency - So Manly.
Head of Intelligence - Courageous
Secretary of War - I was thinking Majesty, that we should also be allowed to hang the heads of the people we kill, to remember our struggle for peace
Secretary of Charity, Compassion and Pity – Exactly, we are spending a fair amount of money in those killings, we should keep the trophies
All – Yes, the trophies
King – It’s a very compassionate idea gentlemen. Unfortunately I don’t think I have enough room in the house for so many heads
Secretary of War- Exactly, that’s my point. We need bigger houses
Queen - (We hear sentimental music in the background) Sorry to interrupt, I believe trophies are very important, but there are many ways to remember glorious times. When my husband was the governor, for example, he had to sign so many authorizations for executions. He was so modest, he was not saving them. But I did, and I put them in a frame, one after the other. They are now decorating our 200 foot long hallway , the one that takes you to the gardens. They remind us of the hard work to become a King
They sigh full of admiration. She smiles
King - We don’t need to show off. We know we killed them, that should be enough to feel good about ourselves. What’s the next topic?
Sir - The Enemy
All – The get up. The Enemy!
King – What about the enemy?
Head of Intelligence - Where is the enemy?
King - Who cares? We’ll destroy the enemy
The Master of Counterinsurgency - Yes, we’ll destroy the enemy.
Secretary of Charity , Compassion and Pity - The enemy is somewhere, that’s for sure,
Secretary of War - We’ll find the enemy.
King - I don’t have time for that. Who cares where he is?
All – Nobody cares!
King - Next topic!
The Master of Counterinsurgency - The sanctity of marriage
King - Very simple. All saints were married. And everyone who gets married is a saint. Marriage comes from Adam and Eve, who were married, and were saints and a man and a woman. After that we all kept doing the same thing, in the name of God and the Saints
Secretary of Charity, Compassion and Pity - Some saints didn’t marry sir
King – Because they were too holy
Head of Intelligence – God bless the holy saints in the name of God
King – Next Topic !
The Master of Counterinsurgency - Masturbation
Secretary of Charity, Compassion and Pity- What do you mean masturbation?
All - What’s that?
The Master of Counterinsurgency - I am not sure. I am sorry, I don’t know who put that in the agenda
They all look very confused and guilty
All - Next topic, next topic
The Master of Counterinsurgency – I am so sorry , yes the next topic is Global warming.
All – What’s that?
The Master of Counterinsurgency - Basically, they hate democracy and our freedom of business
All – So scary
Head of Intelligence – Why?
King – It’s the immigrants!
Secretary - No, it’s the environmentalists.
King - Oh, I know those, they hate carbon Monoxide, they call it a pollutant, we call it…
All together with sweet voice– Life
Sir - They are threatening us, with stronger hurricanes, food shortage, the destruction of the rain forest, a rise of the level of the oceans, the melting of the glaciers
King – They are such sissies, we are going to rapture anyway
All - Stop them! They are killing the Polar bears, and the birds
King - It’s ok, we can solve that with atomic energy
All – Brilliant
The Master of Counterinsurgency - We need more Plutonium
All- Yes, more Plutonium!
Secretary of War – We can cut all the trees and make bigger cars instead to give some shade
We hear loud noise of people yelling, banging at the door
King - What’s that?
The Master of Counterinsurgency - People are very angry sir. They are coming from everywhere. They are screaming and breaking things. It’s the Revolution.
King – Commodify it!
All - Yes, buy it
Queen - Yes, honey, buy the revolution. I want to be cool
Loud Music. They start running around, this is a RUN! choreography.
The Fall of the King.
All - The King is falling!!!!!
The King starts feeling sick and falls on the floor
King –I am falling! I am falling!
All - The King is falling!
King - Traitors! I’ve been poisoned!
All - Oh, he is falling poisoned!
The King falls dead on the floor. Everybody cries sad and melodramatic
Queen – The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away
Head of Intelligence – The King is dead, that’s awful!
The Master of Counterinsurgency – He was not really the King
Secretary of Charity, Compassion and Pity – What are we going to do now?
Queen – We’ll find another one
The Head of Intelligence - We should try to get one without an accent
Queen – (yes, he shouldn’t be Hispanic, people will notice). Yes, He should speak good English
Secretary of War - The King is dead!
All- Long live The King!
We hear sacred music
Secretary of Charity, Compassion and Pity– Majesty! The Pope is here! He is coming in The Pope Mobile!
The Pope enters in The Pope Mobile. The King rises. Everybody goes back to character.
King – Oh, to whom do I owe this honor?
The Pope - Oh, Majesty
The Pope kneels to the King
King – No, Pope, you shouldn’t kneel
The Pope- Yes, majesty, I want to kneel in front of my King
King - You are my King, the King of all of us (He jumps on him to kiss his feet)
King – Holy Pope, I am so honored you came to visit us. What’s the holy reason of your visit?
Pope - I came to discuss the Sanctity of Marriage
All – Bravo, we love it (They hug and kiss passionately)
Pope - There are many ways to look at the sanctity of marriage. You need at least, at the very least one dick, but certainly Not 2. God said that very clearly: A man and a woman. He says that in Leviticus
Queen - Excuse me your holiness, I believe He says that in Genesis
Pope - Yes, in Genesis too
Head of Intelligence - It wasn’t God, I think it was Joseph
The Master of Counterinsurgency - Joseph, the father of Jesus Christ?
Secretary of War - Excuse me, God was the father of Jesus Christ
The Master of Counterinsurgency - I know, what I mean is that he was the husband of Mary
Secretary of War - That doesn’t make him the father of Jesus
The Master of Counterinsurgency - Of course not
Queen - Well. He was a father in a way too
King - (Jumping off his throne horrified) Jesus had 2 fathers???!!!!
All – Noooo!!!!!!
Pope - It’s ok, relax. Those 2 fathers were not married. They were not even a couple
King - We have to fix this
Pope - It’s ok, we’ll focus more attention in the 3 Kings. Just the three of them, for days and nights, three men alone in the desert, following a star …
Pause. They look at each other uncomfortable.
Queen - Eve, for example was a rib
Secretary of War - No, she was made out of a rib. That’s why she was so…tiny
Pope - You are missing the point. The point is The Sanctity of Marriage
King - Pope, please we need to add something in the bible about The American Family
Pope - It is in there!
Queen - Did God talk about The American Family?
Pope – Yes
They get happy and moved, looking up to God
Pope - It’s all symbolic, you know. America didn’t’ exist at the time (they all look disappointed and confused)
Queen - That’s a lie
Pope - But we know that when He said: (he will say these lines very fast) King’s heart is in the hands of the lord, as the rivers of water
Every purpose is established by counsel; and with good advice makes war
He meant: God Bless America!
They all fall to the feet of The Pope
Pope - Ok, gentleman, we are trying our best, you know. We might need a contribution, I mean a check. We’ll use the money to ease hunger in the world
All - Awwww (They all write him a check)
Pope - Yes, so many people dying of hunger, we’ll save them. And now, if you don’t mind, I need to sit down, I am feeling a little dizzy. You have to excuse me Majesty, but I think I am going to throw up.
The Pope dies throwing up
The Master of Counterinsurgency - Wow, I think he is dead.
Secretary of Charity, Compassion and Pity – Should we call the police?
Queen - Maybe the Vatican would be more appropriate
Secretary of War - Yes, forget the police, he is not human, he is like a saint. You don’t report saint’s deaths to the police
The Master of Counterinsurgency – Exactly it’s a totally different thing. Let’s not call the police, maybe tomorrow
A character appears with a container with smoke
Head of Intelligence - Look! The smoke! They have a new Pope already!
Queen – So fast? How could it be?
The Master of Counterinsurgency - Maybe this one wasn’t the real pope then
Secretary of Charity, Compassion and Pity - Maybe for security reasons they have an extra pope, for traveling circumstances and things like that
Queen - Yes, that would make sense. It wouldn’t be safe to have the real pope traveling , showing up in people’s homes like that
King – I was wondering, how come, The Pope just showed up, without a holy announcement or something.
Queen – Or a badge…
Secretary of War - I have no doubt that he was the real pope, he was brilliant
All - Yes, it’s true, he was
Head of Intelligence - But then, how come they have a new pope already? . That’s such a tough decision to make, I mean finding a new pope , imagine
Secretary of Charity, Compassion and Pity – Oh yeah.
The Pope wakes up.
The Pope - Oh, I am really sorry. It was a long trip and The Pope mobile goes really fast. I suffer from motion sickness. I guess you cleaned the vomit already. That’s so nice of you, thank you. I had some peanuts in the airplane. We never eat peanuts at the Vatican. I shouldn’t have. Maybe I am allergic to peanuts. I am sure they were good peanuts. I am sure they were not poisoned or anything. There were a lot of people taking good care of my food, experts, food experts. When they offered me peanuts, I doubted for a second, then I thought, yeah, why not? It wasn’t a big bag, just tiny, but it looks like my stomach couldn’t tolerate it. We had a lot of turbulence. It wasn’t an easy trip. There was a storm I think. The landing was harsh. I am not blaming the pilot, I am sure it was the weather, but it was very nauseating. I was holding the vomit all this time. I thought it was going to reabsorb, but it looks like it didn’t. I apologize.
Secretary of War - Sir, I am so sorry to tell you this, but they have a new Pope
The Pope - What do you mean?
They show him the smoke
The Pope - Oh, no. What am I going to do?
King - It’s ok, you can stay with us
Queen – What?
The Pope - Do you have any use for an ex-pope?
The Master of Counterinsurgency - We can give him a job, majesty
King - Sure, what can you do?
The Pope - Not much
The Master of Counterinsurgency - Come on, you are a pope. I am sure you know a lot of things
The Pope - Oh yes, I know about God, Jesus, abortion, pedophilia…
King - Perfect. You could be our Chief Justice
They all clap
King - Join us, we were about to do our nails.
They start doing their nails.
The Master of Counterinsurgency - You have a very nice shape
King – You think so?
Secretary of War - I have pellicle problems
Secretary of Charity, Compassion and Pity - They look good though
Secretary of War - No, you see, the skin it’s too high, it’s the cuticle
The Master of Counterinsurgency - You hands are so soft
Head of Intelligence – Thank you
Secretary of Charity, Compassion and Pity - My skin is pretty soft too
King - Who has the nail polish?
Secretary of War - Here, this is my favorite color. (To the Queen) I love your hair
Queen - Thank you honey, you have pretty nice hair yourself
A person with a mask enters.
The Pope – Oh, a bear
The Master of Counterinsurgency – I think it’s a horse
Secretary of War – I hope it’s not the Trojan horse
King – It’s The Communist!
All- The Communist!
King - Back up Satan! What do you want with our freedom?!
Secretary of Charity, Compassion and Pity - You, anti patriotic!
Queen - Leave my private property alone!
The Master of Counterinsurgency - You, with your stem cells research will destroy nature and human beings
Head of Intelligence - And babies!
King- You Darwin!
Secretary of War - You baby eater!
Queen - He came to kill The Pope!
The Pope – Me?
The Master of Counterinsurgency - Oh, my god! He is going to bomb us!
Secretary of Charity, Compassion and Pity - Oh, you terrorist!
King - It’s so terrifying the Terror of terrorists. We love penguins!
Queen - You are so scary!
Head of Intelligence- Terrifying
Secretary of War - What’s most scary about you is the terror
All - the bombs !
Secretary of War - Stop throwing bombs terrorist. We are free people here!
The Pope - Leave my Democracy alone!
King – Let’s defend our holy democracy
They get up
They will start grabbing food from inside the (clothes) body of the communist. They will eat with greediness and desperation.
Then they stop exhausted, burping, looking at the dead body
The Master of Counterinsurgency - Next topic: Abortion
King - Abortion is evil.
Secretary of War – Yes, it’s terrorism. Against nature. And the rule of god.
King - We need to protect the sanctity of rape. A life is created in the Kingdom of the Lord.
All – Amen Pause. (Burp)
Queen - Oh, honey, the performers are here. They came to entertain us
All - Great, bravo
The Pope offers them some glasses of wine
The Pope - Here, let me offer you a glass
The Master of Counterinsurgency - What’s that?
The Pope - The blood of the Lord
Head of Intelligence - Which Lord?
The Pope - The son of the Lord
A performer enters. She will do an” exotic” dance-poetry piece. The court will comment nervously and disturbed on her performance. She will speak a language they cannot understand, her movements get very sensual at times, and her performance involves screaming and shaking
King - What is she saying exactly?
Queen – I don’t know darling, maybe she is from some other country.
The Master of Counterinsurgency - I like her, she is exotic
The Pope - We never have shows in the Vatican. This is fun!
At t he end of her performance she will introduce The Groom Bride. The Court feels released that her performance it’s over.
The Performer - And Now The Groom Bride!
The groom Bride Appears, it’s a gender variant person, or a man in a bride’s dress.
Queen - Oh, she was just the opener for some other act
King – It looks like it’s a ballet
Queen – Yes, it looks like a … fisherman ballet
The Groom-Bride - I represent the sanctity of marriage. A man, a woman, becoming one, under god
Ze starts a sweet dance without music
King - So what is this, a man or a woman?
Queen - She is both, she represents the sanctity of marriage
Secretary of charity, Compassion and Pity - maybe she is a magician
Head of Intelligence - yes, it looks like a magic trick
Secretary of War - I think she/he is adorable
The Pope - The hat represents god
Queen – Right
King - I would rather see the man and the woman
Queen - It’s symbolic sweetie
King - I know
The Pope - It is true that through marriage we become one, I mean you
Queen – Yes, under God
The Pope – Right.
The Master of Counterinsurgency - That’s why gays cannot marry
Secretary of War - Exactly, it’s like you need both parts… to reproduce
The Pope - It’s nature too. Like fish for example, or oranges. There’s no lesbian fish, faggot oranges
Queen - Right, it’s always male and female… oranges
Head of Intelligence - But she is both
The Pope - No, she is the symbol of marriage
King - It’s not she
The Pope - He, it whatever, it’s the unity
Secretary of War - It’s love
The Master of Counterinsurgency - Exactly love